Possibly a First...

I never disclose things that I find too personal.  I had a hard time in one of my sessions when the therapist asked me about sex.  It almost made me close up and stop talking but I pushed myself through it anyway.

I've always had a desire to be a little bit more adventurous.  Adventure, at times, has meant the potential to be caught.  A little bit of voyeurism.  It's been a few months and therefore the desire is there.  When you have a regular partner, it's nice because there are no worries about negative repercussions to sex.  I have never been big on randomness when it comes to sex which has protected me against so much stuff, I hope!

I woke up wishing he was here but not just purely for my enjoyment.  I never deny that I miss him but I never admit that I miss all of him and what we did together.  For some reason, I have always thought that the best way to keep him interested in me was to be "adventurous" when it came to sex.  I know myself.  I am the type that is way too scared of being caught, getting in trouble, being shamed.  What I feel is dangerous is child's play to many and I feel like it is that way with him.  Simple things like being in a movie theater alone would be somewhat risky to me because it's public feels as it would be juvenile and silly for him.  Of course these are my assumptions.  I know.  I just never knew how he felt when I brought these things up in this manner.

I wish I did.

With him, I felt like I could do anything or at least I wanted to do everything.  He was never one to push me, just to "encourage" as he would say.  I've always felt like I never needed encouragement, just someone to push me.