For the first time...

...I am confused but not confused.  My time with him yesterday was nice.  When we went upstairs for him to drop off his stuff, I was honestly very surprised when he kissed me.  It's only been a handful of times he's kissed me like that, notably once when I picked him back up after a trip to Mexico and it caught me off guard since I'm not a PDA person, at least not THAT kind of PDA.  Yesterday though, there were no people around but I wasn't expecting it nonetheless.  As much as it was something that I deeply desired, I knew I wasn't okay with it when I didn't know if he felt the way I did and if it what I would want it to mean.

...it was nice spending time together like we use to.  It was nice going up to BH office together like we use to.  If felt normal, if such thing did exist.

...he sat across the table from me at lunch.  As I was slowly finishing my food, inside, I giggled as he reached for my fried okra and helped me finish it.  As tempted as I was to hit his hand and be like "you lost those privileges months ago," I restrained myself.  He wouldn't have understood the humor.   I was disappointed that he didn't offer me a bite of the cheesecake after asking me if I would at least take a bite of it if we went to get.  

...he kissed me again and made me wish I didn't feel it necessary to stop him.  It felt so nice.  I wanted him to continue but I couldn't.  This was what I was scared of and wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to let happen before leaving to Malaysia.  

...I didn't want to let him go because I knew it would be a good bye.  

I haven't allowed myself to let go but maybe that's a first time waiting to happen...