In a Good Place

Today we went to the botanical gardens as part of our touristy activities today.  It was actually pretty nice.  One of the other fellows had pointed out it was like Central Park in NYC.  At moments I felt like it was Memorial Park due to the the runners though it is a lot more naturalistic.  

Anyways, as a beautiful green space in the concrete jungle, there were a lot of people taking photographs  As we were walking around in the park, this huge group of diversity (approximately 12 of us), I noticed a couple working with a photographer.  They were holding something in between them but definitely holding hands in the process.  It appeared like they were possibly taking pictures for an engagement or something of the like.

When I saw them, all I could think of was "awe, how sweet!"  And  it was.  I admire from afar these sweet individuals standing hand in hand as they had their photos taken to forever capture this moment.

In the past, I would have jokingly made some remark about how "sickening" it was, the usual bitter response you would get from a single woman who probably yearned for something similar.  Instead, I didn't say it.  I admired from afar.  I smiled and kept walking.

I've had moments where I broke from this line of positive thought but I realized too that I am in a good place.

And a good place I will be!

Feeling lots of LOVE!

I am super happy.  My last day was exactly how I would have wanted it to be.  Surrounded by the people I love and having a short visit with a good close friend.  I am truly fortunate and loved and can't be more grateful for the opportunity that is in front of me. :)

WTF was that?!?!

So the title of today/tonight's entry doesn't have much to do with its content.  It was actually something that was said in the evening's events and was deserving to have something named after it.

I am always searching for answers and never getting any...esp when it comes to him.  Alas, it may be with all guys.  I do get answers...just way too late!

Tonight was what I needed.  It answers some of my questions directly and indirectly.  My strongest dislikes are in assumption making off of observations.  I think it must be a scientist's brain.  We make hypotheses from observations and then we go off (sometimes) to test them out to see if they are true.  The problem may lay in the fact that once they are tested and proven false, we don't believe our results.  We just assume they were unreliable and thus our hypothesis still stands!  (EEK!)

I am come to learn that I haven't lived for myself for a long time.  When I made the decision to come home to Houston, it was not my own.  I came back for my family.  If I had it my way, I probably would have stayed in Austin (though there were factors, maybe just A factor) that was driving me away too!

I have never been an overly assertive confident person but during my 2nd year internship, my confidence was built up.  I learned that my average work product was incredibly better than others.  If anything, it was more of others' exception products.  It sorta blew my mind as I felt that I was never good enough.  I started to learn that if I really tried hard, I would be amazing!  (I should have known this from my SAT scores in high school.  With little effort, I was scoring about 100 points higher than other friends who had taken prep courses!)  It has been instilled in me that my normal was not good enough.

When he told me that he felt like he was a patch for my happiness or to allow me to avoid my own issues, it hurt.  He was telling me something that I didn't believe to be true.  I loved him for him.  I wanted to be with him because I enjoyed my time with him and how he challenged me when he did.  I like having HIM as my partner.  So it hurt.  That's all I can say about that.

Tonight was what I needed and essentially, though I dragged it out, I achieved my goal.  Beyond that, I told him "I love you" though he may not have heard or ignored it.  What I needed to say was said and what I wanted to have done was done.

I hope that we keep in touch while I am away.  That's all I can say about that.

For the first time...

...I am confused but not confused.  My time with him yesterday was nice.  When we went upstairs for him to drop off his stuff, I was honestly very surprised when he kissed me.  It's only been a handful of times he's kissed me like that, notably once when I picked him back up after a trip to Mexico and it caught me off guard since I'm not a PDA person, at least not THAT kind of PDA.  Yesterday though, there were no people around but I wasn't expecting it nonetheless.  As much as it was something that I deeply desired, I knew I wasn't okay with it when I didn't know if he felt the way I did and if it what I would want it to mean.

...it was nice spending time together like we use to.  It was nice going up to BH office together like we use to.  If felt normal, if such thing did exist.

...he sat across the table from me at lunch.  As I was slowly finishing my food, inside, I giggled as he reached for my fried okra and helped me finish it.  As tempted as I was to hit his hand and be like "you lost those privileges months ago," I restrained myself.  He wouldn't have understood the humor.   I was disappointed that he didn't offer me a bite of the cheesecake after asking me if I would at least take a bite of it if we went to get.  

...he kissed me again and made me wish I didn't feel it necessary to stop him.  It felt so nice.  I wanted him to continue but I couldn't.  This was what I was scared of and wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to let happen before leaving to Malaysia.  

...I didn't want to let him go because I knew it would be a good bye.  

I haven't allowed myself to let go but maybe that's a first time waiting to happen...

Possibly a First...

I never disclose things that I find too personal.  I had a hard time in one of my sessions when the therapist asked me about sex.  It almost made me close up and stop talking but I pushed myself through it anyway.

I've always had a desire to be a little bit more adventurous.  Adventure, at times, has meant the potential to be caught.  A little bit of voyeurism.  It's been a few months and therefore the desire is there.  When you have a regular partner, it's nice because there are no worries about negative repercussions to sex.  I have never been big on randomness when it comes to sex which has protected me against so much stuff, I hope!

I woke up wishing he was here but not just purely for my enjoyment.  I never deny that I miss him but I never admit that I miss all of him and what we did together.  For some reason, I have always thought that the best way to keep him interested in me was to be "adventurous" when it came to sex.  I know myself.  I am the type that is way too scared of being caught, getting in trouble, being shamed.  What I feel is dangerous is child's play to many and I feel like it is that way with him.  Simple things like being in a movie theater alone would be somewhat risky to me because it's public feels as it would be juvenile and silly for him.  Of course these are my assumptions.  I know.  I just never knew how he felt when I brought these things up in this manner.

I wish I did.

With him, I felt like I could do anything or at least I wanted to do everything.  He was never one to push me, just to "encourage" as he would say.  I've always felt like I never needed encouragement, just someone to push me.

Reunion talk!

So every year, I meet up with three childhood friends for a meal.  In the past, I have skipped one because I always felt that I had accomplished so much less than everyone else.  Everyone is pretty far into their careers where they are making considerable paychecks but always seem very unhappy with their careers.  It was only last year where things seem going their way for me: I had graduated, was working and about to move to a salaried position, I was in a relationship with a person I was truly in love with. Things were good.

Forward it to this year: No boyfriend, no job but amazingly awesome opportunity in Malaysia, tons of instability but adventure ahead.  We caught about things that happened this year.  I told them about my surgery and stated how was unsure about kids. (I know I feel this way only because I no longer have a partner which makes children a little difficult.  LOL)  To my shock, my friends were shocked at my assertion.  They all looked at me and told me in agreement that if ANYONE was going to have children, it would be me.  The hope of children entering this circle would be me so to hear me say that I wasn't sure anymore due to the pain and experience that I had during my surgery.

To me, it was funny.  My friends were encouraging me to have kids.  I am THE ONE to have kids.  LOL  I know that it is something that I still want want one day...kids are in my future, I am sure but for right now, it's not on the immediate agenda.

But one day...