Broken hearts

When a relationship ends, hearts are broken.  Sometimes the casualty count is one but sometimes there are two.  I know that with break-ups, I tend to go into myself and be selfish and live in a Jane-centric world because at that point, it is my pain and in my world, only my pain.  I realize that this is not always true but every one deals with heartbreak and heartache different.

We talked last night on Facebook.  So not really talk but chatted.  It was not the way I wanted to go down as I know words have never been any good for us.  In person conversations tend to be the best and part of me was hoping to have Skype conversation but I know he wasn't a fan of that when we did it in the past.

At the end of the conversation, the only thing I could take away from it is we weren't listening to each other.  We both always want to make our point.  I know I am stubborn.  I always want to make my point because partially, I feel like I know the end result. When he told me that he was still hurt (and mad at me) when I was hoping to reconcile, all I could think was "I knew it."  I don't want to be right.  It is not the point.  I just want to move past our egos and just move forward to progress.

So in the end, he wanted me to know that his heart was broken too and shared a similar experience as I did.  But I can't agree because his hurt is a conglomerate of his hurt from previous relationships and the perceived hurt he thought was happening in our relationship.  I know now that he was carrying MAJOR baggage from his previous relationships and my comment was just icing on the cake.

My heart is broken because he didn't believe me when I needed him to the most.  I needed him to believe in our relationship, my feelings for him and our love.  Instead, he allowed the hurt he experience from his previous relationships play into us.

My heart is still broken and I know it.  I still love him, with all my heart.  I miss everything about him and I miss him.  I miss holding his hand, his touch, his hugs, his kisses, the comfort I get just being around him.  He may never realize truly what he meant to me.

Words aren't enough.  Actions aren't enough.  I can never tell him and let him know enough.