Breakdown...

Today I broke down for the first time in a while.  Tears have welled up in the past weeks but today was the first time where I started crying out of pure sadness.

I was talking to a coworker today (an intern with one of the other programs that I first met when she volunteered in case management) about what had been going on with my life lately.  I told her my aspirations of getting into the fellowship program and my excitement of being able to do something like that.  She immediately called me out for running away from my problems.

Part of me was shamed by her seeing transparently through one of my reasons for wanting to go.  I want to just be able to have four months away from everything, to allow myself some peace and serenity.  But in my defense, after my trip to Turkey, I had the strong desire to travel and do social work abroad.  In my three visits overseas (France, Nicaragua, and Turkey since I don't count Canada), I have always wanted to do more traveling to work with some group internationally.

Yes, four months away would be great to help me get over him.  What he said hurt me, and hurt me deep.  I came to the realization that when he said what he said last Wednesday, it was as if he stuck the knife as deep as he could in my heart and twisted it.  The email with his "apology" was just like a few extra twists to make sure I was finished.  I think that in the email, it was the first time since June that he had written anything about still loving me and all the things he wrote definitely stated differently.

I need to heal.  I can't breakdown anymore.  I am taking the whole dosage now and I cried anyway.  I don't want to be worst because I really want to get better.

I want to be happy.  I deserve to be happy.