About yesterday....

I really wanted to write about yesterday.  Coming home after our meeting was super frustrating, angering, etc.  At the root of it all, I was just sad.  Nothing had changed.  NOTHING.  He had only asked me to come over to apologize again.  Most likely the guilt of the ugly words he had said was getting to him.

Hearing him say that I was a special person to him was angering.  It didn't make sense as the words entered my ears.  It seem that he was telling me that I meant a lot to him but he was saying and doing everything to hurt me.  Intentional or unintentional.

He told me he didn't know what to do anymore.  Or at least that's what I perceived.  It seems to me that it wasn't just in regards to me but to his life.  We discussed some of his worries which made no sense and made me wish he had brought them up when he had them.  It just showed that he wasn't as perfect as he thought he was.

He tried to to touch me and I wouldn't let it happen.  As much as I miss it, I couldn't let him do it.  After all, the more time I spend in a room with him, talking to him and hoping that things will be okay, the worst things are for me.

He basically said that he wanted to see me because he would be in Montreal for the conference then immediately would be going to Mexico when he came back.  This was his opportunity to see me.  Why?  I have no idea.

I feel like I am ready to close it for myself.  As much as I love him and he'll always have a part of my heart, I can't do this to myself as I am not his toy.  If anything, I need to learn to love myself more than I love him.