Things to think about...

That's who I am.  I never intended to hurt you and it was all a misunderstanding that still messes with me today especially since I know things would be so different if one thing had been different.  But all those things on that list, they are all true...

It's never planned...

Falling for you was something I never planned.  I wasn't looking for love.  I wasn't ready for it and apparently you saw it too.  I missed the companionship that I had from my guy friends a decade ago and was hoping for something similar again.  I wanted to get out and basically have someone to do it with.  The difference was this time I was a lot older than before and we were truly strangers with no buffer.  Alcohol was involved.  Things were always fun.  I don't regret that.  But along the way, I fell in love with the person I got to know.

Simple as that.  I never was asking for you to reciprocate the feeling at all especially after realizing, the hard way, that you really had no interest in me.  But our friendship and time together was fun and comfortable.  It felt natural to me.  It felt great.

It was never in my plans for us to get together.  It was definitely never in my plans for us to ever end if we ever did get together. Lots of things were never in my plan but now I need to deal with it.

I still have hope though...

It's getting real

Things are getting real, real quick.  I have all the paperwork that I need from Malaysia and basically need to start filling it out so I can scan it and send it back to them.  It's getting really scary for me as I am going to be leaving in about 3 weeks to be gone for 4 months.  Part of me needs to remember and remind myself that I am only scared because there are a lot of unknowns going into this and it's going to be okay.  I am going to make it since this is an extremely exciting opportunities.

To be seriously honest though, it's because of a lot of unknowns and loose strings that have not been tied up that I am scared.

Why am I so hopeful when there seems very little hope? (Because deep down inside, I feel like I still see a glimmer and maybe a glimmer is all I need.)  Sigh.

Heartache seems to be second nature to me.  I should figure out when things are just not meant to be.

Sick

I think the lack of taking care of myself over the past week has now caught up with me.  My throat is sore and I'm feeling phlegm-y and gross.  It seems to be entering phase one of getting sick.  I plan to be heading to the doctor on Monday to get everything I need, in terms of immunizations, medication, etc., especially to get checked up so that I can feel better ASAP.

I am in need to get better soon.  I can't be sick for the start of 2015!

Title unnecessary

It's a BEAUTIFUL sunny day and I am honestly happy due to the sun's appearance today.  I have done some last minute shopping and planning to make a yule log tonight for tomorrow.  Though the occurrences in my life are not what I was hoping for this time of year, I know I am still blessed for all the things that I do have.

Having shared a blessing with someone yesterday, I know that I am super fortunate to be able to do something small for others.  I know that though I feel like my actions hold very little impact, I have made ripples in the world.

Once upon a time, I told myself that all I needed was love and it's still true.  I slightly got lost on the way when I forgot that LOVE was more than just a romantic experience shared between two people.  Love is a universal feeling of belonging and unity that we share with others.  I know it is more complicated than that and I am probably not smart enough to be able to put into words what it all means but it doesn't matter because I know I am able to share love with others all the time and that's what matters.

It hurts...

I don't know if we got to best friends but it was something before we became lovers. October hurt so much because it felt like strangers and that was tough after having loved him for so long.

Feelings matter

I read this just now and totally understood it and felt like it was necessary to share it.  As 2012 was slowly passing by, I was pretty sure that I would never ever feel love again.  I didn't want to after what happened at the end of 2011.  I was sure that I didn't need to find love anymore.  It would just be a bonus but it was a bonus I was no longer looking for.  Luckily, a stranger emailed me and it was the beginning of something weird and different.

I loved him because he made me realize that love was something I always wanted and will always want despite all my attempts to deny it.  I loved him at a time when neither of us were probably ready to love or be loved.  I still love him when love is the last thing I want in my world.

It was with him that I could relate to all those songs you hear about...the ones that make your heart flutter because you know what the singer is singing about.

Broken hearts

When a relationship ends, hearts are broken.  Sometimes the casualty count is one but sometimes there are two.  I know that with break-ups, I tend to go into myself and be selfish and live in a Jane-centric world because at that point, it is my pain and in my world, only my pain.  I realize that this is not always true but every one deals with heartbreak and heartache different.

We talked last night on Facebook.  So not really talk but chatted.  It was not the way I wanted to go down as I know words have never been any good for us.  In person conversations tend to be the best and part of me was hoping to have Skype conversation but I know he wasn't a fan of that when we did it in the past.

At the end of the conversation, the only thing I could take away from it is we weren't listening to each other.  We both always want to make our point.  I know I am stubborn.  I always want to make my point because partially, I feel like I know the end result. When he told me that he was still hurt (and mad at me) when I was hoping to reconcile, all I could think was "I knew it."  I don't want to be right.  It is not the point.  I just want to move past our egos and just move forward to progress.

So in the end, he wanted me to know that his heart was broken too and shared a similar experience as I did.  But I can't agree because his hurt is a conglomerate of his hurt from previous relationships and the perceived hurt he thought was happening in our relationship.  I know now that he was carrying MAJOR baggage from his previous relationships and my comment was just icing on the cake.

My heart is broken because he didn't believe me when I needed him to the most.  I needed him to believe in our relationship, my feelings for him and our love.  Instead, he allowed the hurt he experience from his previous relationships play into us.

My heart is still broken and I know it.  I still love him, with all my heart.  I miss everything about him and I miss him.  I miss holding his hand, his touch, his hugs, his kisses, the comfort I get just being around him.  He may never realize truly what he meant to me.

Words aren't enough.  Actions aren't enough.  I can never tell him and let him know enough.

About yesterday....

I really wanted to write about yesterday.  Coming home after our meeting was super frustrating, angering, etc.  At the root of it all, I was just sad.  Nothing had changed.  NOTHING.  He had only asked me to come over to apologize again.  Most likely the guilt of the ugly words he had said was getting to him.

Hearing him say that I was a special person to him was angering.  It didn't make sense as the words entered my ears.  It seem that he was telling me that I meant a lot to him but he was saying and doing everything to hurt me.  Intentional or unintentional.

He told me he didn't know what to do anymore.  Or at least that's what I perceived.  It seems to me that it wasn't just in regards to me but to his life.  We discussed some of his worries which made no sense and made me wish he had brought them up when he had them.  It just showed that he wasn't as perfect as he thought he was.

He tried to to touch me and I wouldn't let it happen.  As much as I miss it, I couldn't let him do it.  After all, the more time I spend in a room with him, talking to him and hoping that things will be okay, the worst things are for me.

He basically said that he wanted to see me because he would be in Montreal for the conference then immediately would be going to Mexico when he came back.  This was his opportunity to see me.  Why?  I have no idea.

I feel like I am ready to close it for myself.  As much as I love him and he'll always have a part of my heart, I can't do this to myself as I am not his toy.  If anything, I need to learn to love myself more than I love him.

Same places, old memories

So I want to the MFA for the holiday party and it was enjoyable hanging out with other people.  Walking around those halls made me remember the last time I was there with him.  It's funny because art is more his thing.  I showed my friends the piece called Calavera.  In each skull, there are TONS of images represented.  As everyone tried to identify the scenes, I remembered our experience doing it and it mad me slightly sad.  Though art was never my thing, I enjoyed being there with him and sharing the experience with him.

We went to Ninfa's and again, the last time I was there was with him.  I always makes me think about how he orders the queso flameado for us and how it is because of him, queso isn't what it use t be for me.  It was just constant memories which made me miss him despite the words that were said to me.

On the ride home, I was channel surfing on the radio and I heard Delilah ask "who is on you heart tonight?"  It made me think.  I feel like he'll always be on my heart and I can never really tell him.  It hurts that it is what it is now...but alas, it is what it is.

taken from PostSecret

Breakdown...

Today I broke down for the first time in a while.  Tears have welled up in the past weeks but today was the first time where I started crying out of pure sadness.

I was talking to a coworker today (an intern with one of the other programs that I first met when she volunteered in case management) about what had been going on with my life lately.  I told her my aspirations of getting into the fellowship program and my excitement of being able to do something like that.  She immediately called me out for running away from my problems.

Part of me was shamed by her seeing transparently through one of my reasons for wanting to go.  I want to just be able to have four months away from everything, to allow myself some peace and serenity.  But in my defense, after my trip to Turkey, I had the strong desire to travel and do social work abroad.  In my three visits overseas (France, Nicaragua, and Turkey since I don't count Canada), I have always wanted to do more traveling to work with some group internationally.

Yes, four months away would be great to help me get over him.  What he said hurt me, and hurt me deep.  I came to the realization that when he said what he said last Wednesday, it was as if he stuck the knife as deep as he could in my heart and twisted it.  The email with his "apology" was just like a few extra twists to make sure I was finished.  I think that in the email, it was the first time since June that he had written anything about still loving me and all the things he wrote definitely stated differently.

I need to heal.  I can't breakdown anymore.  I am taking the whole dosage now and I cried anyway.  I don't want to be worst because I really want to get better.

I want to be happy.  I deserve to be happy.

Inner Demons

I feel like I am going through a deja vu period of this summer.   Things are getting to be too much for me again.  The only thing that is good for this time is that I have the constant daily support of one person who has been amazing for me over the last five months.

I feel like I am constantly battling myself.  I know that I have a lot to live for and that's why I am here.  Sometimes it's honestly that I am too scared to do anything and that's why I am still here on this earth.  PLUS, too many people depend on me and need be to be here for me to not be here.

It's tough.  I am starting to feel the bad come to surface but I know it's a daily fight that I have to keep dealing with.  Can I win?  I don't know but at least for now, I have to fight.

Loyalty unreciprocated

Yesterday I learned that my job was going to be phased out by the end of January.  I was shocked but not at the same time.  It hasn't totally set in yet but I know that when it does, it could be bad for me.

I am realizing that it is giving me an opportunity to do what I want to do.

I have learned that my loyalty to my work was never seen.  I love what I do and have learned so much about myself and the people I work with and for.

Doors close because others are to open.