Emotional falls...

Today was the first time in a long time I cried on my drive to work.  I was listening to 1989 as I do every morning and as one of the songs played (not sure which one right now), the tears began to flow.

Yesterday, for the first time in a month, he contacted me with the goal of meeting up.  It was something that I had been waiting/hoping to happen for a long time.  I've missed him dearly.  It has been difficult trying to be okay with not having him in my life.

Hearing him tell me that he missed me was what I wanted to hear but how he said it and the conditions that elicited those feelings for him cheapened what those words meant to me.  I was guarded during our conversation as I knew that this meeting could/would undo all the work and effort I had put in over the last few weeks.

I missed him.  I miss seeing his face and being around him and close to him.  Feeling him hug me made me just want to let everything go but I couldn't.  I wanted to be brave.  I wanted to be strong.  I couldn't really let him know what was really going on inside me.

Instead now, I am a mess.  I am back to crying.  I am broken again and I need to figure out how to pick up the pieces....