Some things to think about: Relationships

"We were never there..."

Trying to understand him always makes me feel like I never knew him...

Ferdi always told me that he was like him, that they were very similar.  Tonight I felt as in my questioning, I pushed him to the edge which caused him to say what he did.

Our relationship apparently was never there, to the level of commitment where people want to take the next step.  Maybe I am weird to think that when you feel a connection with a person and feel like they are "the one" for you, you want to be with them.  I don't get it but I guess it doesn't matter.

I try to understand him.  I want to salvage something but I think I'm just constantly making the same mistakes, to want to salvage something that the other person doesn't want to save.

Yesterday I felt like I could be comfortable and talk.  Why tell me something personal?  Sometimes just because you can doesn't mean it should be done.  Maybe I wrong to believe that he knows me, to know that I want to know why he thinks that happened.

I always want to know the why...but why do I want to know when all it does is give me pain.  Why do I do this to myself...

Now all I can think is that everything was a LIE.  Just a lie...

Emotional falls...

Today was the first time in a long time I cried on my drive to work.  I was listening to 1989 as I do every morning and as one of the songs played (not sure which one right now), the tears began to flow.

Yesterday, for the first time in a month, he contacted me with the goal of meeting up.  It was something that I had been waiting/hoping to happen for a long time.  I've missed him dearly.  It has been difficult trying to be okay with not having him in my life.

Hearing him tell me that he missed me was what I wanted to hear but how he said it and the conditions that elicited those feelings for him cheapened what those words meant to me.  I was guarded during our conversation as I knew that this meeting could/would undo all the work and effort I had put in over the last few weeks.

I missed him.  I miss seeing his face and being around him and close to him.  Feeling him hug me made me just want to let everything go but I couldn't.  I wanted to be brave.  I wanted to be strong.  I couldn't really let him know what was really going on inside me.

Instead now, I am a mess.  I am back to crying.  I am broken again and I need to figure out how to pick up the pieces....