Better Day

Today I had a good day.

I have been working to make my work days more fulfilling, especially on my slower days.  I had set up a meeting for my colleagues and I to visit a local re-entry program.  It was extremely interesting to be around a table with other professionals working on a possible collaboration.   It was proof that I am capable of doing things.

I've had lots of setbacks lately, more or less, in my head but this one trip made me feel so much better.

Reversion

Today I let my guard down and allowed the pain and emotions come back into my life.  All my insecurities that I had not focused on for a little while came rushing back to me.  It wasn't the best feeling in the world as it was a reminder of what I still want deep down inside of me: him.

It sucks but I know that I have to keep pushing forward.  My life is about progression and the here and now.  That's the most important thing I need to focus on.

Interrupted...

Showering happily I noticed the abnormal creep in.  It quickly made my peaceful shower disappear.  I wonder if there was a correlation between having forgotten to take my medicine today.

I took it after I got out.  Better late than never.

My weekend was good outside of that.  I had fun being painted.  I enjoyed catching up with an old friend.

Things were nice.

So it continues...

The pain continued...it migrated to the right.  I am unsure of what's going on but hope that it won't continue through the weekend.  Today's pain was unusually painful when I was at work.

I did get to see a wonderful presentation that re-invigorated me on why I chose to go into social work.  Sometimes I forget but today I was quickly reminded.

The pain

...is really unbearable.  Idk what it is but lower left quadrant. Sharp and continuous.  If it persist through the night into the morning, I am going to be worried.

Indulgence

I want and did my loop again.  Numb left foot again.  :(  

Decided to treat myself to Whataburger...a delicious Patty Melt with a Coke Zero.  I think it was too much BAD food because now my tummy is hurting.  Lower left side of my abdomen.

I am hoping it'll pass.  Here's to feeling better sooner than later.

On a good note, I'm not sore and now I need to start thinking about my vacation days and possibly going to Chicago to visit a friend! YAY! :D

My mind...

It happened about an hour ago.  My mind went off on its own, racing away without me.  I hate when it does that because I am out of control.  It was weird because for once, I feel no stress and it happened.

I really am scared after this incident.  I definitely have to call and make an appointment and see if there is anything I can do to make this better.  Maybe it is another problem.  I am hoping it's not but I am starting to worry.

Numbing

So I went back to Memorial Park again today to do my lap.  It was such a beautiful day that I was able to jog the first km straight without stopping.  Unfortunately after going for a while, my left foot started to go numb.  It wasn't the best feeling in the world as I was worried I could fall if I started to jog again.  I did continue doing it from time to time and was able to come in a few seconds under 40 minutes.

I am planning to go back out there again tomorrow as I felt extremely pumped after I left.  I am starting to enjoy the time by myself.  It's nice.  I'm learning to be with me.

Bad day

So today wasn't a bad day in the fullest extent but it was a lot worse than it had been in a while.  I woke up from a dream that involved him.  At this time of day, I don't exactly remember the details but I do remember that it had been upset.  It was just a reminder of the feelings I still have for him.

My life has gotten busy again where I know I don't have the time to think about him as I have other responsibilities to take care of.  It's tough at times but I know it'll be okay....

Stepping it up

So I took my day off today from running/walking.  It has definitely paid off since I'm walking around feeling like I'm unable to walk.  I know that I've been able to better articulate my feelings as I am starting to feel some of the things I have wanted to feel for a while.

I have come to realize that I will have to get in contact with him to get my meatloaf glassware.  I had only bought it to make dinner that night and it wasn't meant for him to keep.  In addition, he also has my book which I'm sure he hasn't read yet but I would like to have back one day so I can read it.  I came to the realization that I had returned most (if not all of his stuff) in an effort to give myself some type of closure.  I know where my heart lays but I also know the steps I need to take to keep moving forward.

I got an invitation to run.  I found it funny only because I don't run.  I doddle on the trail.  I go because I feel like I need to.

I am finally stepping it up.

Racing thoughts

My day has been good.  I had a good Saturday night.  It has been a while where I just go out, spend time with someone  I am getting to know and just enjoy myself.  It was a reminder how I really just put pressure on myself.

This morning was beautiful and being able to just have a lazy Sunday was nice.  As much as I wanted to BE somewhere, it was just nice being nowhere but home.

As I was showering though, things seemed to turn for the worse.  Thoughts started racing through my head like they use to do before.  I sped up my shower in an attempt to hurry it up so I could get out of there quick and be done.  The more I concentrated on MY thoughts, the more the OTHER thoughts continued to race.  

I don't know what's going on but I don't like it.  

Please save me.

Pit of my stomach

So even after Thursday's night's game, I still have a bad feeling.  I had fun hanging out with friends and enjoying their company but i disliked the feeling of acting almost like strangers.  It's still a sick feeling in my stomach.

When it was just the two of us, I didn't feel comfortable with his behaviors that were similar to things he would do when we were a couple.  It blurs the lines.

I just want us to be friends.  I miss him.

Habits

One of my favorite songs right now...

It lingers in my head when I hear it...

I don't necessarily believe that it applies to me but once upon a time...maybe.