Letting it all out

For the longest time, I had always told myself and others that I've always tried to put on a happy face even if my whole world was slowly falling apart.  I've come to the realization that it was always in regards to my family life.

Growing up I dealt with a lot of things that I felt were "normal" (or maybe abnormal) of most family dynamics.  Despite all those things, I never thought anything negative of my family life as ups and downs were normal.  I always felt connected to my family even if we weren't as close as the Huxstables or other popular TV families.

Over the years though, my family dynamics have definitely changed.  The truth that things weren't perfect in our family were now more prevalent and visible to the eye. Unable to truly address them, relationships are not visibly fractured and distance.  Normal family activities that kept us together as a unit are basically no more, even a simple family dinner with everyone is rare, maybe just once or twice a year during holidays.

Being the oldest, I have always had to hear about a lot of the negatives that were going on, especially from my mom.  I feel like I have carried those burdens and possibly have some resentment for knowing those things.

Though I always tell myself that I know my family will always love me, I haven't felt that lately.  I feel, culturally, it's an obligation, to take care of family.  I should know that it's all authentic but I guess sometimes the shame that has been instilled in me all my life always prevails.

It sucks.  I miss that closeness.  I just want to let it all out.