Another day, another post

I have been reading my Blessings from Mary and they have definitely been enlightening and brightening to me.  It's kinda amazing how reading these thoughts and their meaning have actually brought some joy into my heart and honestly, that's all I can ask for!

Always learning

I am always learning how others function, especially him.  Sometimes when he tells me things, it sounds so foreign to me and I have difficulty wrapping my brain around what he's saying.  At times, I feel like he doesn't understand that it doesn't make sense to me.

Talking seems to help me clarify things and understand things better.  I hope he knows that and I am trying to make an effort.

****
Some articles that I came across today:
- 13 tips to make a good relationship great  
I started to read the contents and I could feel myself go "uhhuh", "yes", "need to do that!"  I keep reading and trying to incorporate these things.  I think I need to stop so I can continue to make sure to get his feedback, if possible.

- More than pleasure
This isn't an article but a description of what SEX is according to Thom Yorke.  I think it fits for me.

Till next time.....

The Worry Escalation Paradox

Worry leads to more worry which continues to lead to more worrying.

I am lost.  I am starting to wonder if I am losing focus on what I need to be focus on.  Things were fun this weekend.  Really fun.  Almost at an extremely carefree state.  I felt like I was back in the zone with him.  It kinda felt real again.

Communication is key. Communication by BOTH sides is necessary.  One sided-ness leads to other issues, as I am starting to uncover.

I want it to work out and be good.  I wonder if it could be good or am I just hoping for something that's already slipped away.

Pooped

So I have a momentary break and just scarfed down my sandwich.  I didn't realize getting back into the swing of things was going to tire me out.

 I did realize a few things while I was going around doing my things:

 1. I still get tired easily. - I think this is partially because I haven't been as active as I liked to be.  Having walked around did make me a little tired but it may have also been because it was time for me to eat.

2. Walking fast hurts.  - Those who know me know that I walk fast.  It's a habit I probably acquire from trying to get from one side of campus to the other during undergrad.  It may have gone farther back than that but I'm not sure.  Walking to my meeting this morning apparently did a small number on me.  While I was sitting in the meeting, I'd feel pain, randomly, from time to time.  As I walked back to my car, I noticed that every step I took was slightly painful.  I guess this means I may need better supportive shoes to absorb the shock of my heavy foot.  (There was a reason why my grandpa use to call me a little elephant as a kid!)

3. I need to make sure I have my snacks.  - I haven't eaten as much as I use to and I think I'm going to continue that but with the usage of snacks in between my main meals.  I think the weight loss is starting to get noticeable and I don't want to continue the trend unless it's being done in a healthy way.  After all, that's what's really important.

I've come to realize with all this time, I just need to try to be reflective and think about my life.  It's best if I don't think too hard and too deeply into it but its always good to be reflective about what's going on around me.

Getting back to it

Good morning everyone!

Its the first morning in a LONG time that I'm up this early.  I have an early orientation to go to.  I'm not particularly excited to have to endure rush hour traffic but its part of going back to my regular schedule.  Its the beginning of new things and the return to the old (not necessarily tons of old as there has been tons of small changes that may make things very UNFAMILIAR)  But as we all know, life is about embracing and adapting to change so CHEERS!

Have a great morning everyone!

Letting it all out

For the longest time, I had always told myself and others that I've always tried to put on a happy face even if my whole world was slowly falling apart.  I've come to the realization that it was always in regards to my family life.

Growing up I dealt with a lot of things that I felt were "normal" (or maybe abnormal) of most family dynamics.  Despite all those things, I never thought anything negative of my family life as ups and downs were normal.  I always felt connected to my family even if we weren't as close as the Huxstables or other popular TV families.

Over the years though, my family dynamics have definitely changed.  The truth that things weren't perfect in our family were now more prevalent and visible to the eye. Unable to truly address them, relationships are not visibly fractured and distance.  Normal family activities that kept us together as a unit are basically no more, even a simple family dinner with everyone is rare, maybe just once or twice a year during holidays.

Being the oldest, I have always had to hear about a lot of the negatives that were going on, especially from my mom.  I feel like I have carried those burdens and possibly have some resentment for knowing those things.

Though I always tell myself that I know my family will always love me, I haven't felt that lately.  I feel, culturally, it's an obligation, to take care of family.  I should know that it's all authentic but I guess sometimes the shame that has been instilled in me all my life always prevails.

It sucks.  I miss that closeness.  I just want to let it all out.

Improvements

So after a little time, the pain has slowly decrease, a definite improvement. I did feel some pain on my right side at some point (not good since it was mostly on my left side the last couple of days) but it seems to have gone away.  I did not decide to take another day's worth of my medication after realizing that my symptoms (nausea, dizziness, elevated heartbeat -maybe) were due to the side effects.  Today I am feeling better.  The nausea was really taking a toll on me as it was unrelenting and would consume most of my day.

I am considering calling my doctor and asking for a different medicine but we will see.  I am just glad that I am feeling better for the most part as feeling sick was not fun.

I know mentally I am trying to truck on through as I know most of this is me just processing the events of my life over the past two and a half months.  In the end, I know I'll be okay.

Feeling worse

So I had some breakfast and I'm sitting here and realizing that I'm just experiencing some side effects of medication.  It explains my inability to sleep last night and now the nausea, dizziness and so forth.

It makes me wonder if taking it is worth it but from reading literature, it sounds like in a week or two, I will feel better.  I don't know if I can handle these symptoms that long especially since I have to move around.  (I have an appointment at 2pm today and I'm assuming being dizzy will NOT be good for my driving)

I'm going to do my best to rest and let this pass.  Hopefully it will sooner than later.

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers, and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal all beings–
those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.

By the power of every moment of your goodness,
may your heart’s wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

By the power of every moment of your goodness,
may all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.
May no obstacle come across your way.
May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.

For all in whose heart dwells respect,
who follow the wisdom and compassion, of the Way,
may your life prosper in the four blessings
of old age, beauty, happiness and strength.

Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/buddhist-healing-prayer.html#ixzz3Ar7swOkZ

Sick

So the pain in my side has eased a bit but I spent a night filled with other symptoms and possibly side effects.  I've been feeling nauseated since last night, I have a slight headache (probably because I haven't eaten since I'm feeling nauseated.)  I woke up at one point and my teeth were chattering as if I was cold and I felt fine.  It was an uncontrollable movement.

I am not sure what I am going to do but right now, I am just glad that the pain is not as bad as it was yesterday.

Here's to hoping it'll all end soon.

Check up

I went to my PCP today to possibly look into some medication and to ask him to check out my concern for this persisting pain in my lower left side.

We talked about the medication and he asked me to get my therapist to call him instead of just calling her himself.  He ended up offering me another script and suggested I ask my therapist and see what she thought.  If she had a different suggestion, he would gladly write the script for that.  I thought to myself that honestly, I am good with my doctor's recommendation, being that I have worked with him for a while now.  He actually told me that his opinion is that I just need time but if I wanted the script, he would do it for me.  (I began to lose a big of composure a.k.a. began crying and explained to him that this is how I am when I don't pull it together!)

He was hesitant at first to check me out in regards to my pain but examined me and said that everything sounded fine.  He continued to inform me that I'm going to always feel some kinks in there from time to time and it would be normal.  Just to be cautious and if it continues to bother me to call my ob/gyn, which is my plan.

On a random note, it seems that I've lost some more weight over the weekend, 2-3lbs.  I'm not sure if thats a good or bad thing but I'll spin it as a positive for myself as it is my goal overall!

Two prayers for those out there who like them as currently I find it important to open myself to all faiths as I go through my own personal growth:  the serenity prayer in greater length and a healing prayer as I continue to heal myself, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Interesting article

Just read this article.  Thought it was worth sharing.  I don't know if it exactly applies in my situation but it always makes you think.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathlyn-and-gay-hendricks/the-secret-reason-you-and_b_5682632.html

The last 24 hours...

The last 24 hours have been quite an experience.  After having not seen him for almost 2 weeks, I went over to his place to return some of his stuff that I had and take the opportunity to hang out.

Honestly, it was really nice being able to just talk openly about things.  Being able to talk to each other and understand what the other person was thinking was good for both of us.  I think it was the first time we actually had the time to understand each other.  I found it to be a very good exercise in communication and hoped that it would support our potential of reconciliation.

One of the things I didn't realize that I missed so much was our physical relationship.  I realize "physical" relationship sounds like sex but it was more than that.  I've missed getting hugs from him (as I'm not sure if he knows it but I LOVE the cologne he is currently on) and his kisses.  In general, he has a rather gentle touch.  In the last few months, our intimacy level had gone down quite a bit and I guess I never realized (nor did he)  how frustrating it was for me.

We connected last night though, something I was definitely NOT expecting.  Neither of us was.  He made a sweet/romantic comment about our physical relationship.  I didn't tell him, in so many words, but it made me feel special as it helped me know that things meant something. I've always felt that it was the case but to hear him say it meant a lot to me.

I am still in love with him and I know it, making these 24 hours difficult.  But in the end, I think it opened a pathway for us to communicate and hopefully more.  I won't lie to him or myself that I am still hopeful for us.  Just spending time with him was nice and I am naively and cautiously hopeful.

Happiness!

So for once, I am in the practice of turning unhappy thoughts into happy thoughts as they pass through my head.  It's been a refreshing practice that I have started to build in myself without destroying my true authentic self.

In the past, I would just bury negative feels and let them pile up over time.  My insecurities would build up and *BOOM*, everything would explode.  Now I am learning as I read and read and read continuously different things support this positive mindset, I am learning it really is about me (which I've known forever!)  I know what my heart desires (and its not necessarily the expected) and I know that if I am to get these things, I have to do certain things differently.

I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy and that's all that matters! :)

A Slow Day...

which necessarily isn't a bad thing!

The one thing on my mind has been a friend who is mourning the first year of his grandmother's passing.  We talked about it yesterday and he told me how he was feeling depressed thing about it.  I tried to encourage him as I know what those feelings are like as I am currently experiencing them too but trying my best to battle them to make myself a better person.

I had hoped to possibly fly down to be a support but with my surgery and the need to keep money IN my bank accounts, it wasn't the best idea.

So today, I want to offer this prayer, as his grandmother, his abuelita as I called her while I was there, was a devout Catholic.

God our Father, 
Your power brings us to birth, 
Your providence guides our lives, 
and by Your command we return to dust.

Lord, those who die still live in Your presence, 
their lives change but do not end. 
I pray in hope for my family, 
relatives and friends, 
and for all the dead known to You alone. 

In company with Christ, 
Who died and now lives, 
may they rejoice in Your kingdom, 
where all our tears are wiped away. 
Unite us together again in one family, 
to sing Your praise forever and ever.

Amen.

Positive momentum

So earlier today I did my first thought train.  It really did ease my mind about the negative thought that I had.  I am going to do the best I can to continue doing it and allowing my thought process flow in a more positive reaffirming way.

I also read an article on 12 things you need to say before its too late. It made me think about some things I should make an effort to say to others, especially those I love and care about, on a daily basis.

All these things are making me slowly feel better and it's helping that I have support from many individuals as I go through all of this.

The beginning of something

So today is my birthday.  It's been odd as social media has made us be more disconnected to our friends and other people.  Ironically I received two phone calls today in regards to my birthday and the rest were Facebook posts.

So as a gift to myself today, I had my first therapy session.  Every since I was about 11 or 12, I use to jokingly tell friends how I wanted therapy for my birthday.  After seeing that I was having difficulty adjusting to a lot of things, I finally decided to go and see if talking to someone would be of some benefit to me.

The session definitely went by quickly and I spent a good chunk of it crying.  She didn't want to give me a major depression diagnosis as she also understands the stigma that is tied to it as it'll stick on my medical record but gave me a lighter diagnosis after our first session and her evaluation of things.  She made some recommendations for medication and it's something I'm considering as it may be helpful as I slowly go through all of this.

I know (and have acknowledge) that I have darker feelings before and it hasn't been the first time.  With all the coverage of Robin Williams' death and more social media coverage of suicide and depression, it makes me aware of how I want to cheer myself up because as much as I feel like escaping from this world and being "free," true freedom would be to accept things and be happy.

Just a last thought as I close today:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." 

Depression

Today the world lost a great actor and comedian to depression. Robert Williams, per his trade, made hundreds of thousands, probably millions of individuals laugh but he battled much darker demons that caused him to possibly take his own life.

Personally, I've felt that I've dealt with my own demons especially over the past few months and possibly even longer before that.  Because of this shocking passing, social media has been filled with articles on awareness when it comes to depression.  I've read them before and I know I will continue to read them.

Buzzfeed posted a really good article that's worth taking a look at.  See it here.

I know that tomorrow will be the beginning of me healing on various levels as my birthday gift to myself will be therapy.  Hopefully it is the best gift I give myself, something that I have honestly been asking for since I was in middle school.

If you ever see yourself needing help, know that you are NEVER alone and there is ALWAYS help out there.

Back!

After spending a few days out in the middle of nowhere, I had a lot of time to think.

The last part of my surgery has fallen off.  The little plastic knot finally fell out tonight while I was showering.  It's kinda weird because I feel like I have a hole now.

I'm going to attempt to post some of my better pictures from the trip.  I got to go to Prada Marfa which was exciting for me.  It's actually in Valentine, Texas and not in Marfa.

Random stuff, I know.

Back in Houston equals back to healing as the hiking I did in Big Bend probably wasn't a good idea but now I can rest again.

I'm not 100% back but at least I'm working on it.

Middle of nowhere

So we made it to our destination after 12 hours in the car. Literally in the middle of nowhereas network connectivity is next to nothing for TMobile out here.  The scenery is definitely gorgeous but the ride took a toll on me physically.  I am kinda unsure if I'll be able tob partake in the plans tomorrow but am going to try my best.

This trip is making me miss him an awful lot as it reminds me of some of our road trips andtravels.  Honestly, I think this is something that he would enjoy.  I want to continue having conversations with him but realize there's a fine line and I don't want to violate it.

I still miss him but I know that's because I still love him and have hope.

Thank you for telling me things last night.  I hope we can continue to do that.  I miss you dearly especially your smile.  I love you with all my heart and when I hear the new Enrique song (which you may not even be familiar with) and here him say "contigo," I think of you.  "Siempre" and "contigo" are two of my favorite words in Spanish and I want both of them to apply to you.

I know what I'm about to do is embark on a journey to better myself because I want to be a better me so I can be part of us.  I'm hoping that you still want that.

Grateful and Thankful

Last night he and I actually had a good conversation.  For the first time, I was able to listen to things he were saying and hearing some of his grievances for the first time.  For once, I understood why he felt the way he did and we were actually able to talk about it.

I actually felt okay about things when he told me it was time for him to go to bed because it was late.  For once I wasn't hesitant for him to go because I felt okay.  It made me realize that he wasn't comfortable talking to me because he felt I wasn't listening and I wasn't comfortable telling him things because I felt that he would minimize things and push them aside.

I know I am extremely grateful and thankful we were able to have a conversation like that last night.

Partial thoughts

I can't post the complete post but just a partial as the other one really is just for me.

Because at the end of the day, when I told him "I love you" I meant it.  When I said I was "sorry," I meant it as if I wish it had never happened but I can't take back what has happened.

Burning ears

I've been awake for a while as my alarm as been going off for the past almost two hours.  As my last alarm at 8:30 am starting going off, thoughts of him crossed my mind.  My brain was debating whether just to send a simple text saying good morning.  A few minutes later, I received a text from him wishing me luck.  Part of me wanted to respond with "were your ears burning since I was thinking of you?" but passed on it.

Though I want to respect him and his boundaries, I've been doing a horrible job at it.  So I resisted.  I did my five minute meditation.  I took some time to continue to breathe and try to center myself and now I'm letting it out by writing.

Today is an important day for me though I need to think of it as just another day before I psych myself out which I think I am.  (Hello Valium!)

Time to get ready for my day!

Blessings From Mary

So I bought this book the other day finding it interesting.  Blessings From Mary is basically a book of sacred feminine meditations inspired by Mary Magdalene.  Though I have very limited knowledge of Mary Magdalene, I flipped through the pages of the book offering daily meditations for the year and liked what I read.

Yesterday's meditation (August 4) was extremely relevant for me.

Transformation comes from first accepting what is. ~Wisdom of Mary Magdalene

It goes on further to say that healing, restoration and transformation come from acceptance, honoring and deeply embracing what is in your life.  I feel like this is what I've known all this time but have not been willing to deal with.

In addition to reading these "blessings," in an act of full disclosure, I located a therapist and have set up an appointment for next week, ironically on my birthday.  I spoke with her and she was very kind and I think it will be a good experience for me and I hope it will help me in my process to get better.

The combination of the wisdom from Mary Magdalene and therapy, I think it will be a good first steps for me.

Lessons never learned

I woke up feeling super anxious.  I really messed up yesterday.  I should have realized that when he doesn't talk, it's him shutting down.  Sigh.

I know I'm beating myself up but I did read to think that helped me a little bit and I'm going to post them here.  I have a little over 24 hours to get my shit together.  So I'm going to pop some meds in and let them do their magic in hopes of them settling my mind!

Long day

I don't think I can do it.

I woke up this morning for breakfast convo, a photo day at the park and then meeting up with him. It was awkward and fun at the same time.  At times, I would look at him and he would just be looking at me (or at least it seemed that way.)  I have no idea what was going through his head.  Part of me wanted to hold him.  It sucked that I didn't get the initial "hello" hug and it sucked even more that the "good bye" hug was a side hug and not even a real one.

I talked to him not that long ago.  I think I should stop talking to him on the phone.  The lack of facial cues is bad for me.  I went on and on as I always do.  He didn't say much and when he did it was the same thing: "you're being too hard on yourself" and "you weren't a bad girlfriend."  Things that don't necessarily give you closure.

I want to fix things so badly.  I want him to take me back.  Why am I trying so hard?  Because I love him?  Yes.  But why when it seems that he doesn't want me at all.  

Another lunch date!

I spent another lunch date with a good friend that I met during my time at GCSW.  She is an amazing person who has always provided me the best feedback on my concerns.  We sat around for a few hours and she gave me a lot of good information.

One of the pieces of information that she gave me that I am strongly considering is the name of a therapist that may be of some help for me.  I've known (and considered) for weeks that I need to speak to a real therapist about things.  Now that I have an actual recommendation, I am going to look her up and see if I can meet with her this week or during my birthday week and if she's covered by my insurance.  Hopefully yes!

I've spent too much time crying and apparently I don't know how to solve my problems.  I was hoping to go and drop some stuff off to him today but I can't get a hold of him.  Maybe he's not back yet, I don't know.

I just know that spending time with friends has been helpful and reflective for me.  Social isolation has been mentally and emotionally damaging and spending time with friends has been good for me.

Dream Tracking

I woke up from the weirdest dream.  I dreamed that I was going to school again.  Though he and I weren't together in my dream, we were respectfully doing the whole "friend" thing, or at least attempting it.  Somehow part of my commute allowed me to pass by where he was living in a neighborhood.  On one day going to school, I was very fortunate to find a parking spot really close to the building where my classes were.  It almost seemed like the parking spot was between the buildings, in the mist of all the student traffic.

After a long day of classes, I went back to my find my car completely STRIPPED by thieves.  They had literally taken EVERYTHING except the shell of the car.  There wasn't even the courtesy to leave the car on cinder blocks.  When I saw my car, another guy was trying to get into it as if it was his car.  In total disbelief, I asked the guy, "is that you car?"  He said he wasn't sure and I told him to "get away" as it was my car since I had parked it there this morning.  Walking around my "car" in total shock and still disbelief, I surveyed the damage and quickly walked back to my building where I ran into him.  I approached him in hopes of some emotional support as I was crying from not knowing what to do next.  He looked at me and shushed me as he was waiting for a family member (weird, I know) to finish something before he could leave.  I led him to my car to show him what had happened and he didn't say much.

Before my dream could go any further, I woke up.  I have NO interpretation of it.  I read stuff saying how we dream about people who are thinking about us.  (ha!)  His lack of concern wasn't shocking to me as its part of how he copes/deals with things.  Part of me wishes he would stop appearing in my dreams.  It sucks because the best part of the dream was the "hug" he gave me in an attempt to comfort me.  (Though in the dream, it wasn't done genuinely.)

Writing all of this isn't meant for dream interpretation.  It's just meant as a record as I go through this process.

My little polka dot dress

About two weeks ago, I bought the cutest dress.  Something simple, sweet and what I consider girly.  I decided to today to put it on and make myself feel good.

I've always been somewhat of a girly girl but not really.  I think it's because I've never been a make-up and get dressed to the nine kind of person out of laziness.  Taking the opportunity to take care of myself in this way has been a positive for me though.

Going out with the girls was nice for them to get out of the house but now I'm paying for it a little as I'm feeling some pain.  I may consider taking some painkillers tonight to help ease the pain a little.  Let's hope!

A Quick Reminder

Last night, while lying in bed, I twisted my body and felt a sharp intense pain.  Ugh!  It hurt so bad where I had no idea what was going on outside of another reminder that the inside may not look as good as the outside.  My incision is starting to hurt less.  I'm thinking the Neosporin is finally helping the heal.  For the past few days as I've been applying it, I was wondering if it was helping at all.

I was talking to my mom this morning about the pain from last night and she says that after almost 33 years, her C-section scar (courtesy of moi!) still hurts her from time to time if she stretches.  So I'm not sure if that's a suggestion to stretch and move more or to be more careful.  I'm still taking it easy as I'm not doing any exercise, as my doctor has advised, so I should be okay.

Pain like these always remind me to slow down and remember that I'm healing, slowly but surely.