Speechless

I am speechless.

My head is pounding and I am so frustrated I don't know how to describe it.

Communication is key, on so many levels when it comes to relationships, whether they be familial, platonic or romantic.  I have issues with all that's going on because there was a lack of communication on both ends: communicating correctly on my end and just communicating in general on his.

I am tired for being criticized and punished for doing things wrong.  I know it's wrong now and I want to make changes.  I am trying to understand him but it's so hard when he doesn't tell me anything.  It's only recently during all of this that I have actually learned more about him.  (It's funny because I remember I use to ask him stuff and he once told me that mystery was key, that we would have time to learn these things.)

My big this is if I'm doing it wrong, tell me EXACTLY what I am doing.  I keep thinking that the only time I learn about one of my behaviors is when friends/family point it out to me.  Vagueness is bad!  The key is in the details.

I beat myself up enough and now I feel (the key is I FEEL...as my perception) like he's doing it to me.  I've asked for help to improve myself but all I've gotten is quiet indignation.  How am I suppose to think positively about myself (my daily battle for self-esteem) if I think the person that told me he loved me is totally disgusted with me as person and holds so much resentment towards me.

We are two different people.  I am not asking him to accept my behavior but to understand my responses and reactions.

I have always wanted my partner to be my best friend but somewhere along the way in my life, I lost that trust and comfort to truly be open.  Partly because this is what happens...my heart gets broken and that's the end of that.

My history of boys:
D'92 - Never really liked me but liked my friend;  even 10 plus years later when I run into him through a good friend who was a mutual friend, he asked about her.
L'93 - Told everyone all of my private details, even those about us.  Cheated on me and tried to get an all out girl on girl fight out of it.
A'98 - He was the sweetest to me but I didn't like him the way he deserved.  Bad timing.  I learned a lot from him.
S'98 - Adore him in the stupidest way.  Probably a bad thing.  He used what he knew about me and my past to his advantage and was always in competition with something that he shouldn't have been.
G'99-01 - What I considered my first love. He could never really accept me, after all, I wasn't Catholic.  He cheated on me (with a prettier girl) and then dragged it out.  He said he wanted us to be friends but it never could be.
D'03-04 - Renewed faith..in what?  I have no idea.  I learned what it was like to get to know someone. I think his baggage made it tough for him to ever really let me in.  I grew up in my decisions but it definitely hurt every step of the way.
J'07 - Spontaneous, fun, no substance. He gave me some confidence...maybe swagger if it had existed then.
M'09 - Couldn't even think of his name until I tried again.  Made me realize that I couldn't ever change and be a different person so a guy could like me.  I learned why I stayed away from a certain type of guy...quick.
C'09-11 - Restored my faith in love.  He loved me unconditionally but we weren't right for each other.  Maybe it was timing again like it was with D.

This one, he made me work for it, to get to know him and to get him to know me beyond some girl.  I should stop.  It's late and this is what's bad for my recovery... =\