Some realizations

We spent time together.  It was good and then it was bad.  I realized I wasn't ready to just be with him as if we were just friends.  The whole night I wanted to grab his hand so I could hold it but I didn't.  When he hugged me, I wanted to kiss him like we'd always kiss when we met up.  When we were hugging to say goodbye, he held me a long time and part of me wanted to stay there forever but I knew it wouldn't be that way and always pull away first.  :(

I learned tonight that he doesn't think he's the one for me anymore, that I am not happy with him, that he doesn't meet my expectations.   It hurt a lot hearing this.  I love him and want to be with him.  He has been my support for this time.  He makes me smile when I think about him.  I look forward to those hugs and kisses, his smile, his "hi honey!", all those things.  

I never realized that my (recent) negativity was wearing him down.  It hurt me because I wish I had known so I could stop it and be aware to work on not bringing it to him.  I don't want him to think that that's all I am.  He's worked so hard to be good for me and I didn't realize it.

I gave him back the chain that I wore as a bracelet tonight out of anger when he told me he still didn't think we should be together.  I loved wearing something that was from him because it was a constant reminder of him.  But at the same time, it was hurting me because it was a constant reminder of him.  My wrist feels a little bare missing the other bracelet.   I wish I hadn't given it back to him now but I don't know if he'll offer it back to me.

I'm still hurting.  I'm not ready.  I still love him.  I know that I always will.  It sucks and I'm realizing the hurt is deeper than I thought...