It hurts...

It is a week before my surgery and I have a lot of work to do for myself between now and then.  This past weekend I have been experiencing more physical pain.  I am not sure what's going on inside but I am guessing that they (the fibroids) know that they are on their way out.  I think I have a higher tolerance for pain that I realize because I have learned to ignore it and thus stifle it.  I am not sure if this is going to work in my favor or not after the 14th or I may just trust my life to Western medicine and some kick ass painkillers.

I have been going against everything my therapist says and have been reaching out to him.  I'm learning that it is actually more harmful than helpful right now but part of me doesn't want him to think I'm giving up on us.  It hurts because I didn't break up with him, he doesn't make me unhappy and there are no expectations for him to meet.   What hurts is that I feel like he believes there are all these standards and pressures for him to meet and he feels that he isn't meeting them.  He has been one of the best things in my life this past year where I have learned so much about me, him, our relationship, etc.

It hurts because I don't know if he really knows what I'm going through and it hurts that I have no idea what's going on on his end.

Every now and then when I feel like I need it, I listen to an old voicemail.  Hearing him say "hi honey, how are you?" and "I love you" brings a smile to my face...I worry that I will never hear it again.

Last, I feel like I should have done something more Saturday night.  It hurts because I am too scared to make any grand gestures.  I have always been scared.

Even after all these years I'm still scared... and that's probably what hurts the most.