A necessary return...

It's been years since I've blogged.  Partially due to a full schedule but mostly due to a lack of dedicating time to doing it. A lot has gone on recently but tonight I blog with a purpose...to heal.

My relationship recently ended on Saturday due to a silly thing.  It was my fault, my words.  The man I lost has meant the world to me for over a year and only since last October were we exclusively together.  I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family with him.  It's been a difficult few days for me as I have attempted to process this whole situation.  I feel lost because he has been my light these past months.  I feel like I've learned a lot from him but I have yet to learn the most important thing, how to be loved.

It was interesting.  He said that maybe he did not know how to love me.  I disagreed.  I've experienced his love over these months.  I saw it in his eyes when he looked at me.  But yesterday, when I was attempting to salvage what we had, I couldn't see it.  He had put a wall up to protect himself from me.  I was no longer freely welcomed into his heart.  I could feel his pain.  I could feel my pain even more intensely.  No matter what I said, what I did, he could not look past those words, "have a nice life then."

I spent time last night reading over the conversation from Saturday, hating myself for having it happened.  I was jealous.  I was insecure.  I was lost.  I have been doing with a health issue.  I recently diagnosed with uterine fibroids and was waiting for today's appointment to find out what the next step was.  I've come to learn that I will have to have surgery to remove six fibroids, one approximately 8 inches in diameter.  Though I have learned from other people, it seems like a common procedure, I am scared.  My doctor informed me that the procedure would potentially involve a lot of blood loss so they had to make sure my blood count was good.  If there are complications during the procedure, I may lose my uterus and essentially my ability to have children.  All these things that I had never worried before were suddenly staring me right in the face.  The scariest part was that I no longer had my partner, the person that had been by my side and giving me comfort.

I talked to him tonight about the information that was given to me by my doctor.  I talked about other things, what he meant to me, things that I wish we had worked on in our relationship and basically things that could improve it.  I was no longer speaking to the same man who had loved me these past months.  I was talking to someone who was protecting his heart, be rightfully guarded...from me.  Though he is guarded, he still wants to know my progress.  It's tough because I feel like I don't have his support and part of me believes that I no longer deserve it (the most heartbreaking part.)

His birthday is next week and I know I won't be able to share it with him.  Instead, I have a mammogram and ultrasound schedule to figure out what is going on with the mass in my left breast.  I am planning to schedule my surgery on the 14th and I am scared that he won't come in to see me.  It breaks my heart to think it but again, I feel like I deserve it.

I have decided to give him his distance.  He deserves it.  I hurt him...which in turned hurt me.  Part of me feels like I'm spiraling into a depression that I don't want to get out of but I know I can't let it happen.

So here is my attempt.  I need to give myself the necessary care to make me better.  I can hope that one day he will forgive me and possibly allow himself to love me again but for now, I need to try to love me.