Another morning...

I am awake.  Apparently at some point, the medication worked and calmed me down.  I am glad I still have some to take, when necessary.  It may be something I consider asking my doctor about if things continue you this way.  

I read this article this morning on HelloGiggles about how to stop waiting for your relationship to fail.  It made me think about things and how I probably shouldn't be beating up myself for how things unfolded.  At the end of the day, I did nothing wrong as I probably acted in an understandable way.  Here is a link to the rest of the article!

I know I need to stop looking for validation but reading this helped.  Last night, I got to speak with a girl friend that I love dearly, almost like an older sister.  Ten years ago (wow!) we spent a fun, crazy single girls summer.  We reminisced and then talked about how relationships have changed us over the years.  It was reaffirming to know someone knew what I was going through and to know that it would be okay.

I know deep in my heart, right now, I want to fix things but I can't be the only one who desires it.  Her words last night were the beginning towards seeing the cuts scab over and slowly begin to mend.  Hopefully I am ready because I need to be.  There are opportunities, non relationship related, ahead of me that I need to be prepared for.

Insomnia...Anxiety...Not good.

So I'm laying  here in my bed trying to fall asleep and suddenly I can feel my heart picking up pace.  I'm feeling some weird anxiety and I can't explain why.  Part of me feels like I should take my medication and am considering it.  Sleep is essential at night for me to get better. These late nights have been bad for me lately.

Thoughts need to leave my head so I can calm down and get some rest.

Another night, another song!

I love this song.  I felt like this was a perfect song to be dedicated to someone you love.  I remember hearing it in the car with him and just thinking, this says it all!

After it was over, I sent him a text for him to listen to it.  I don't know if he ever did.

The following lyrics (from the bridge?? I think) kind of basically speak to how I feel now.

We are not perfect

We'll learn from our mistakes

And as long as it takes

I will prove my love to you

I am not scared of the elements 

I am under-prepared, but I am willing

"I Choose You" - Sara Bareilles

Friendships

I was fortunate to have a beautiful conversation with one of my oldest college friends. We have known each other for almost 15 years now and I am ever so grateful to have a true friend in him.

We spent a little bit of time talking about what's been going on with me and then some other stuff.  He made me think a lot outside of my usual proverbial box.  We also talked about Comic Con which I totally am going to have to try to go to next year!  He seemed to have TONS of fun while he was there and I would love to geek out, meet celebrities and get a lot of free swag!

Coming out of that conversation reminded me the importance of friendships.  He told me I needed an in-person friend right now kind of like Sex and The City which he hated that he understood after admitting to watching three episodes.

I think he's right.   I need an in-person friend.  Unfortunately HE was also my in-person friend as my friends are all busy with their own relationship and/or kids.

I love my friends and I know they are always there for me.  I just wish I felt comfortable enough to call upon them in times like this.  Maybe I need to get over myself and just ask for the help when I need it and make sure they know that I will always be there for them when they need it.

Why am I so scared?

I've always wondered that.  Why am I so scared of everything?

Rejection.  It sucks.  It hurts.  It's another blow to my self-esteem.  It's shaming, even if it's self-shaming.

Last night, it took courage to talk to him.  I think it will continuously require courage to talk to him after all that happened.  He told me some things that were impactful and I wish I could understand it more.

It made me thing on multiple levels wondering if he felt I wasn't a good partner in supporting him and his faith.  Though I know I am not an extremely religious person but maybe more spiritual, I understand faith and belief (despite my outwardly response).  I truly believe that religion/spirituality is a personal thing that we choose to share with others at our own pace.

I think I have shared certain things about myself in the past and have been rejected.  Shoot, one of the biggest things was sharing that I was a virgin when I was 21 and soon after dumped for it.

It's amazing how life experiences affect you.   I am hoping that with time, I can grow and move on from all of this.

I miss him

I miss him.

That's it.  I miss just being able to talk to him.  I want to ask him how things are going at his conference but I can't.  He's been angry at me for my behavior and I don't think he will just be okay with me being genuinely interested in him.

I hate not having him in my life.  I miss him desperately.

Wild Elephant Training

I have been slowly dabbling through this book on mindfulness called How to Train a Wild Elephant.  I almost considered creating a separate blog on the exercises but as of right now, I may just stick to my blog instead of trying to maintain multiple blogs since I haven't been successful with it.

Today's lesson was on Use of the Non-dominant Hand.  I've spent time trying to constantly use my left hand for the majority of my needs.  As it states, it has felt uncomfortable at times.  I am going to try to continue doing it for the rest of this week and embrace what they call the "beginner's mind."

I am hoping that these different practices will bring me the centering and peace that I need.

Pain...new and persisting

While I was eating lunch, I had this weird headache.  The pain was pulsating at the lower back left side of my head.  It made me a little worried but it seems to come and go.  I was having a bit of a dizzy spell as it happened.  I am unsure of what's going on but if it continues, I'll make sure to go to the doctor to get it checked out.

The pain in my abdomen is still there.  Sometimes its pretty intense on the right side, sometimes on the left side.  I really want to believe that it's menstrual related but I'm hoping it wont intensify and will eventually go away soon.

I really am not big on medicating my pain but lately I feel like it's my only option.  I'm hoping this doesn't last forever (hopefully at most a few more weeks!)

A giggle from a happy memory

I was laying in bed just now as memories and thoughts were going through my brain.  I think my brain is trying to find positives as my body is experiencing pain.  I'm starting to believe it's tied to my first menstrual cycle post-op.  From what I am reading, there's a high chance of cramping and pain associated with it.  This is going to be my explanation until I figured it out.

So my memory.  I am reminded of my last night in Seattle.  He took me to a Mexican restaurant that specialized in food from Oaxaca.  I remember looking at the menu and saying excitedly that I was going to order tacos or something.  I remember looking at him and he gave me this look of "you've got to be kidding!?"  He looked at the menu again and named off a few items on the menu that were specialties of the region and the best options for me to order.  I remember I ended up ordering the tamales and OMG, they were delicious.  They weren't like tamales here since they were in banana leaves but that just  ended up being a teaching moment for him on regional culture.  Dinner was fun, followed by drinks nearby.  I remember being sad knowing that I would be leaving early in the morning but it was nice to have that night with him.

It still makes me smile because he may not know it but I've learned so much from him and I was planning to have many many more years, decades even, of learning.

Mom's tooth = a short day excursion for me

So my mom has been dealing with her own health stuff.  Last Thursday, one of her teeth started giving her problems.  She didn't look into until the weekend where the dentist gave her some antibiotics and painkillers for it.  She went today to follow up and it turns out the infection wasn't doing to well and she was referred to a specialist for a later appointment.  After two hours, she had her tooth removed and drained and now has multiple follow-ups with the specialist to see if everything is okay.

I was pretty worried as my mom had basically been laid up on the couch, trying to sleep.  In addition, the whole left side of her mouth was swollen and it looked horribly painful.   She seems to be doing better (no pain due to the painkillers) but I'll have to see what happens tomorrow after her appointment.

I went with her only because we weren't sure if my dad was going to know where to take her.  It was pretty painful moving around and then sitting in the waiting room.  I think this further supports the idea that I need to do something to help with my recovery but not exactly sure what since sitting all day really just makes me feel bad in the end.

I've spent most of the day thinking positive thoughts but also thinking about him.  I know how important getting this paper into this conference was and after missing the original deadline and then not having the website for the poster submission, it was extremely exciting news when we found out his paper was accepted.  I know that I will NEVER fully understand computer science or machine learning, I always wanted to support him professionally.  I hope he does well with his poster session at the conference and hope that he learns and connects with tons of people so that he can be confident about a position after graduation.  To me, in my heart, I think he's the greatest and does an amazing job in everything he puts his mind to.  I know he's not one to brag and take the credit but I wish he would because he deserves each distinction and compliment.  I wish I could tell him all this, especially if I never did.  If anything, I hope he knew that I felt this way about him.

Two weeks post--op

Today marks two weeks since my laparotomy/myomectomy.  As I have been commenting, the last couple of days I have dealt with more pain that normal.  It's been a odd feeling since I have been pretty good since the previous Saturday when I stopped taking my pain meds.  I may start back up again being that the pain feels more internal and it may be a sign to get me to slow down a bit.

I have made two different goals (outside of the general big ones that are always floating above my head.)  Along with studying for my license, I am going to start reading up on organizational development (I found a website with free courses and educational articles) and coding (a free website teaching you all different types of code!)  The first one is purely because OD really interests me and as I am not ready to consider another degree, I am totally okay with reading up and learning more about it.  Coding, well, I took two classes at UT and didn't realize I understood stuff until it was too late.  I think it'll be a random skill that would be interesting to have.  Plus, honestly, when I watched him do it, I was always amazed at his fluidity.  It really was like knowing a different language and its many dialects.

On the outside, I want to look fine but on the inside, I feel like I'm still haven't given myself the time to heal like I need to.  I am reminded of the song from Moulin Rouge where Satine sings "The Show Must Go On."

Inside my heart is breaking

My makeup may be flaking

But my smile still stays on

The show must go on

The show must go on

I'll top the bill

I'll earn the kill

I have to find the will to carry

On with the

On with the

On with the show

Random Happy Memory

So I miss him...a lot.  When I'm sitting around with my thoughts, happy times inhabit my mind.

Last year when I went to Seattle, we shared a lot of experiences and fun.  Seattle was the first time we really had time to get to know each other and honestly, despite all the things I've said to him out of sadness, I wouldn't have changed that trip.  Every moment was memorable and a joy to have shared with him.

So a random memory.  Lately I have actually been going back to Starbucks for my coffee, or more like for Frappaccinos since its been soo freaking hot!  The other day when I got one, it reminded me of the Robot Chicken episode explaining the logo.  I had never seen it till when I was in Seattle with him and I've been partially scarred for life!  (LOL)  I think there were tons of giggles that night due it.  The beginning of many giggles and smiles of that trip.

So here is the episode for those who haven't seen it!  Enjoy!

WB Anxiety!

So I've been up for a little bit and sitting on my bed reading things and suddenly as thoughts run through my head, I feel my heart speed up a little bit.  All the things that have been happening to me and the world at large seem to just collide in my head and made me scared.  Not for myself but others that I love and care about.

I don't want to have to medicate this unless I have to.  That's kinda how I feel about the pain as the last couple of days it has seem to come back.  (My pain seems to be more internal now as on the outside, I feel like it is healing pretty well.  The internal pain is scarier as I can't visually monitor how that is going.)

I am going to attempt to remedy things by practicing calming thoughts.  I don't know how well I'll do at that but it is something I am going to have to try right now.

Nightly Lyrics

Breathe Again - Sara Bareilles

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth

And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view

Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart

And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

It hurts to be here

I only wanted love from you

It huts to be here

What am I gonna do?

Make You Feel My Love - Adele

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
And I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

Random Soccer Thoughts

So I didn't watch much soccer during World Cup.  I actually had hoped that I would because he was pretty excited about Mexico playing.  It was one of those things that I hoped I would have been able to share with him.

Ironically, I'm watching the Guinness Cup on TV where Manchester United and As Roma are playing.  Of course I've heard of Manchester United and that's for various reason.  They just subbed a player in, "Chicharito," which felt very familiar to me.  Of course, I googled him to find out he is a Mexican player from Guadalajara.  I wonder if he ever told me about him during World Cup and I am sure he did since Chicharito scored some goals during the games.

It's funny to think that his nickname is little pea since his dad was called "Chicharo" which means pea due to his green eyes.  Sometimes its interesting the things you learn and reflect on.

I wish we had just sat in his place watching TV like we use to way back when.  It took me a while to realize that when I told him I wish we went "back to the basics" that meant just watching TV, hanging out at his place, making out, etc.  All the things we use to do before the official-ness.  I miss it all.

Mostly, I miss him.

Lyrics and Advice

After almost a month, I decided to return to Facebook.  The isolation is killing me.

I started to read some stories on my feed and loved this one story about Taylor Swift and her advice to a young fan on "unrequited love."   Link to the story

 "You are loving someone purely because you love them, not because you think you'll ever have your affections reciprocated. You are admiring something for its beauty, without needing to own it. Feel good about being the kind of person who loves selflessly. I think someday you'll find someone who loves you in that exact same way."

It made me think.  It made me feel better.  It validated my feelings on the type of love I want in a relationship: selfless, beautiful and kind.

Music helps me heal and contemplate at the same time.  I heard this song by Sara Bareilles tonight who has now become one of my favorites.  The very end of the song...

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore
You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

Complete lyrics

Right now I don't think I'll ever be okay.  I knew how I felt for him and it still makes no sense to me that our first real fight was the end.  It hurts because it makes me feel like our relationship wasn't as important to him as it was to me.  

This morning...

Waking up should get easier but it doesn't.

As I started to move around to wake up to the gentle light that peaks through my window, I could feel more pain than usual.  Not good at all.

I think it's my stress from my emotions.  I have lost so much lately.  I think the reality of the situation has yet t kick in.  I'm sad but part of me wants to be hopeful.  For what?  I'm not sure.  Sometimes I hope for a future, happier times, something.  Part of me wants to escape.  My initial escape plan has failed but maybe another time.

I just feel that my physical pain is just a manifestation of the emotional pain I'm feeling inside.

Valuable lesson (re)learned

So I spoke with an old friend tonight and the one thing that he kept saying to me was:

At the end of the day you are the one controlling your happiness.

He's right.  It's a tough lesson that I keep learning.  The only thing you can control is yourself.

Seeking closure

First and Last Words...

...of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 - Love perseveres.

Reflections on selfishness

I am tired of beating myself up over and over again.  I think I've met my breaking point.

Growing up as the oldest, I have always taken care of my siblings.  As an adult, I do take some time to take care of my parents but I spend most of my efforts towards providing some normalcy for my nieces.  The only time I had the opportunity to take care of myself was in college and even then, I had roommates and friends that I played the caretaker role too.  I think it's just part of the birth order deal.   The only real time I had to myself was my last year in Austin living at The Met and basically doing whatever I wanted.  (I really am surprised that I didn't DIE during that year! LOL)

I am far from perfect.  I know that.  I live part of my life in my own little selfish world because I don't have time to myself.  Shoot, even today while I  was in the bathroom getting ready for my shower, a little hand was poking underneath my door.  When I made no comments, I heard a little voice say "can you see my hand?!?!?"  Even at night, as I'm trying to recover from the inside, I don't even have my bed to myself.  I share it with this half pint who sleeps on half of my bed.  Before I pass out at night, I have to be mindful of her presence so she doesn't kick my abdomen in the middle of the night.

I'm not a mom but I share all of my stuff.  Most people seek and relish those single years so they can just be to themselves.  I don't have it.  I haven't had it in over 10 years.  My time out of time with him was always that opportunity to have time to myself with someone I loved.  Maybe he never saw that.  Even though it was we time, it was also my me time.

Speechless

I am speechless.

My head is pounding and I am so frustrated I don't know how to describe it.

Communication is key, on so many levels when it comes to relationships, whether they be familial, platonic or romantic.  I have issues with all that's going on because there was a lack of communication on both ends: communicating correctly on my end and just communicating in general on his.

I am tired for being criticized and punished for doing things wrong.  I know it's wrong now and I want to make changes.  I am trying to understand him but it's so hard when he doesn't tell me anything.  It's only recently during all of this that I have actually learned more about him.  (It's funny because I remember I use to ask him stuff and he once told me that mystery was key, that we would have time to learn these things.)

My big this is if I'm doing it wrong, tell me EXACTLY what I am doing.  I keep thinking that the only time I learn about one of my behaviors is when friends/family point it out to me.  Vagueness is bad!  The key is in the details.

I beat myself up enough and now I feel (the key is I FEEL...as my perception) like he's doing it to me.  I've asked for help to improve myself but all I've gotten is quiet indignation.  How am I suppose to think positively about myself (my daily battle for self-esteem) if I think the person that told me he loved me is totally disgusted with me as person and holds so much resentment towards me.

We are two different people.  I am not asking him to accept my behavior but to understand my responses and reactions.

I have always wanted my partner to be my best friend but somewhere along the way in my life, I lost that trust and comfort to truly be open.  Partly because this is what happens...my heart gets broken and that's the end of that.

My history of boys:
D'92 - Never really liked me but liked my friend;  even 10 plus years later when I run into him through a good friend who was a mutual friend, he asked about her.
L'93 - Told everyone all of my private details, even those about us.  Cheated on me and tried to get an all out girl on girl fight out of it.
A'98 - He was the sweetest to me but I didn't like him the way he deserved.  Bad timing.  I learned a lot from him.
S'98 - Adore him in the stupidest way.  Probably a bad thing.  He used what he knew about me and my past to his advantage and was always in competition with something that he shouldn't have been.
G'99-01 - What I considered my first love. He could never really accept me, after all, I wasn't Catholic.  He cheated on me (with a prettier girl) and then dragged it out.  He said he wanted us to be friends but it never could be.
D'03-04 - Renewed faith..in what?  I have no idea.  I learned what it was like to get to know someone. I think his baggage made it tough for him to ever really let me in.  I grew up in my decisions but it definitely hurt every step of the way.
J'07 - Spontaneous, fun, no substance. He gave me some confidence...maybe swagger if it had existed then.
M'09 - Couldn't even think of his name until I tried again.  Made me realize that I couldn't ever change and be a different person so a guy could like me.  I learned why I stayed away from a certain type of guy...quick.
C'09-11 - Restored my faith in love.  He loved me unconditionally but we weren't right for each other.  Maybe it was timing again like it was with D.

This one, he made me work for it, to get to know him and to get him to know me beyond some girl.  I should stop.  It's late and this is what's bad for my recovery... =\

My toughest (my choice) struggle...

I actually try not to think about things too much.  I really do.  I keep busy during the day with the girls and have been trying to make some plans for the rest of my recovery time.

Every day I struggle whether I should be in contact with him.  If I should say hi and see how he is doing, in general, with work, his paper, etc.  I miss him dearly but I'm trying to respect his space.  I'm always scared if that is a bad thing because I NEVER want him to think that I don't still love him but at the same time, he needs his time and I guess I need mine too.

He pops up in my dreams and I don't know how to process it outside of I eventually forget the details of my dreams hours later.

Do I keep him in my heart because I love him and I hope that maybe we can work things out one day or do I just let it go?  

Say something...

The video says a lot.  It's not me to give up, I know that because I spent 8 months saving my previous relationship when it was doomed from the beginning.

Here I am with a relationship totally worth saving, something that I adore with someone I adore.  Gosh, I didn't realize how much until all of this time has slowly been ticking away.

Tulips

I've never really received flowers before.  I think my surgery is the first time in my life (sad) where I've received as many flowers as I have.

On Saturday, I got a bouquet of tulips.  It was funny because one of my college roommates favorite flowers were tulips.  It's actually what she wanted as part of her wedding bouquet but was struck down by her mom because she (her mom) felt they wouldn't last through the day.

My tulips were placed into the vase where the spray roses (actually one of my favorite type of roses) were replaced by him (I sorta wanted to keep them dried but it was okay) and have been sitting on my bookcase since then.  As I've watched them grow through the end of their bloom cycle, it's been extremely metaphorical.

The reach: There has been one tulip that has been reaching far out of the bouquet.  Despite all the tulips being together, this one tulip is reaching away.  Part of me wondered why it was going where it did.  Somehow a few petals were knocked off.  Though it is no longer perfect, it is still reaching out.

The fall:  When I got out of bed this morning, I noticed more petals on the top of the bookshelf and on the floor.  It was very beautiful how all the petals laid but saddening.  I can't exactly say why but it hit something deep in me.

Maybe I see too much but sometimes its better than seeing nothing at all.  My flowers rest in an area that is somewhat sacred to me.  Maybe its just metaphorical for that...or maybe its just flowers almost ready to be made into mulch.

Cabin fever cured!

So in an effort to continue my healing and cure my cabin effort, I made an effort to persuade the powers that be (my mom) to let me go out...and it worked!  We spent a few hours out of the house clothes and grocery shopping.  I was extremely excited to basically get 3 outfits for under $100!!  Super awesome!

Spending my day out of the house allowed me to not think about the usual things I spend my time thinking about.  I did have a nice conversation with a friend who gave me some insight into the other side.  I always appreciate it as it allows me to understand something that I normally wouldn't.

Let's be to the point, she was able to give me the female Mexican-American Catholic point of view.  It helped...a lot.  She discussed the personal issue she was dealing with and it help me process what he may (or may not) be experiencing.  It made me wish that may be had more open dialogue.  My feelings are true and run deep where compromises  are always an option and just part of relationships.

Well, I have another day of outings tomorrow (yay!) which will be good!  I only took one does of pain meds today which means I am weening off of it all.  I still have five more weeks of recovery because I'm sure I am far from being 100% but I know I can't just staying laying in one spot.

Outlooks are hopeful...as that's all I have to look forward to right now.

A quick entry

I love this song.  It's meaning is different for me right now but it still resonates for me.

My myomectomy and more...

I've been reading blogs about the experiences of other women and their myomectomies.  I want to be able to add in on that conversation on providing my account of my experience.

I went in on Monday, July 10 at 8am for a scheduled 10am surgery.  It started a little late as the IV was not inserted in my right till after 10am.  After a member of the anesthesiology team injected the "cocktail of drugs" that was gonna keep me feeling good, I have no memory of anything until I woke up to an extremely loud recovery room.  By 12:40pm, I was rolled into my room (569) to enjoy the company of my friends and family (the first being my best friend).

The pain was bad but I had access to a morphine pump that I eventually learned that I could click on once every 10 minutes to receive 1mg of morphine.  If I didn't do it on my own, I would get that same amount once an hour.  At this time, I was clicking as much as I could seeking for some type of relief.  As I looked down at my abdomen, I was pretty surprised to how big it was...extending above my belly button.

By Tuesday afternoon, I had the visit from my doctor and that is where I learn the details of my surgery.  He had removed a total of TEN fibroids, 4 more than he had informed me about, the largest being about 3.5lbs.  He showed me a picture and I am hoping that I will be able to get copies of it soon so I can share it with others.  He said my ovaries looked good and I am assuming that is to provide me with some type of comforting information.  Through conversations with my mom, I learned that I loss about a liter of blood but after my blood test on Tuesday (I'm assuming), he didn't opt for a transfusion which I was relieved about.  In the process I no longer have the big round belly that I had been dealing with for a while that was getting me questions of whether I was pregnant or not.  (If I had only known!)


As I entering another day of recovery, I'm coming to learn that I just want to walk around and others seem to be worried that it will be bad for my recovery.  As I am reading stuff online, I'm learning that the sooner I go back to normal, the better.  I think the biggest thing is to keep myself on top that I should be focusing on me and healing, whatever that means.

He and one of his closest friends came by and visited me today.  It was nice to see him after not having seen him since Tuesday.  It sucked that he didn't come alone but it was still good to have him here. It was weird for him to take things home with him (his Axe, his phone charger, etc) as I felt like he was taking them home because he would never need them here anymore.

I don't know how to process it or if I should attempt to process it at all by myself.  It may mean it is time to look for someone to talk to.  It may be on my list of to dos for the week.

I did read about the loving touch in one of my books today as we took a group nap on my bed.  When I finished, I turned to look at him and ever so softly played with his hair.  It looks like he's done something different to it, I am not sure, maybe a different cut, who knows.  I don't know if he felt my hand but part of me wanted to touch him more as I took deep breaths and took in his smell.

I miss him and I knew it more than ever as he was laying next to me.  It was hard to contain but I knew that if I was going to continue to try to respect him on some level, I would not do it.

It hurt even more that I wouldn't be able to eat the barbacoa that he got me.  My mom still believes in staying away from certain proteins, beef being one of them.

I wish I could be fair and honest and communicate with him how I feel but right now, this may be the only way to do it.

I want more time with him but I know I can't have it if he doesn't want to give it to me and honestly now, the only way I can have it is on his terms only...a lesson I am learning slowly.

Day 2 at home...

So I'm not good at this whole recovering thing.  I'm having major cabin fever and in need of getting out of the house.  I've been noticing all these cool things going on this weekend in Houston and it sucks to think that I can't go because I should be at home healing.  :(

I miss being around people right now and am trying to cope with it.  Hopefully slowly but surely.

I think I'm going to get back into my craft sewing so that I can be preoccupied with production and possibly start reading like I told myself I would do.  Who knows..

I just know that one thing that has been on my mind is that I miss him...a lot.

Last post before surgery...

Lots of things going through my mind...

If I had posted earlier I would have just posted this video and ended it there.
"Your name forever on my lips..."



Last Kiss - Taylor Swift lyrics

But instead, my brother, in his awkward goofy fashion, asked me what was going on and as we googled pictures of fibroids, he went and looked up a video of what they reminded him of.  Apparently it reminded him of Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  I've never watched the show but here's a clip.




So after all of that visual enjoyment/stimulation...am I ready?  Yes and no.  I know I am abut 8 hours away from my arrival time to prep for my surgery.  I'm scared and nervous but I've taken my meds for the night.  I actually pretty tired since I spent the evening cleaning my room.  I have my salt lamp on and mentally have an idea of what I need to get together to take with me tomorrow.  I may consider packing but I think I'm going t wait a little bit.

I, ironically, am feeling a little bit of positive energy  (thank you to all that are sending it my way!) and am hopefully that though I am inheriting a new gnarly scar, I am leaning how to ask for help and who is there for me.

Good night dear friends and signing off tonight with lots of love...

Valium, my unsung hero!

So I went to get my mammogram and subsequent ultrasound and it turns out the lump in my left breast is nothing to worry about.  They do have me set up for a 6, 12 and 24 month follow-up.  The doctor at the breast center told me that since I've had it for years, it shouldn't be too big of a deal since there hasn't been much change.  I also learned that Asian women tend to have more dense breast tissue therefore it shows up white on the mammogram and thus you may need more diagnostics.  It seems like I'm going to rack up a pretty penny in breast health bills!

I went over to my doctor's office to pick up my pre-op stuff so I can register for my surgery.  While I talked to the doctor, I updated him on parts of my life and told him how things have been tough for me and I've been experiencing lots of anxiety and asked for anti-anxiety medication.  He took a moment and handed me a script for Valium.

Last night, I took one and it definitely made me feel calm and at peace.  I finally understand the necessity of asking for things from the doctor if you need it.

I haven't talked to him since Wednesday morning and I think I'm okay.  Maybe the medicine is helping me calm down a bit.  It may be my hero while I figure out what's going on and prepping myself for Monday.

Insecurities abounds...

We talked again tonight. He extended an invitation to his birthday dinner tomorrow night but I felt unsure purely because of what happened the last time he invited me there.  Part of me really wants to go to be there with him.  I know last year for his 30th, I wanted to be there to celebrate with him.  Now that he's actually in Houston and I can celebrate with him, because of our situation, I feel like it could potentially be uncomfortable.  Because I want to be holding his hand and sitting next to him and being affectionate because he's my boyfriend and my love.  But its not the case...

My insecurities are starting to come out as we talk more.  He asked why I thought his friends trumped me when he spends a lot of time with me.  Part of me wants to tell him that because he's known them longer and I know he adores his friends.  Spending time with me feels like a way to satisfy my insecurity.  I just never realized that all these things that he "did" for me are all things he took inventory of and now seem to resent me for.  

Was I that bad of a girlfriend?  Was I that inconsiderate with him?  Does he really resent me that much?

He told me that he would show me respect by not interrupting me and so forth but he seems so resentful for doing those things.  Part of me wishes he had respected me by just letting me know things that he didn't like at that time instead of holding it in and now not finding our relationship worth saving.

I truly feel that if our relationship was valuable enough, he would make an effort to work on it now that we have more information on it.  Instead, I feel like he's throwing me away with the trash.  :(

I would never do that to him.  That's why I'm still fighting...but now, he's starting to make me wonder what am I fighting for?

Love is...

Just a quick thought before I go to bed...

He bought me a bible a while ago and I've had it on my nightstand for months now. I haven't really read it much but it's been there.  Last night I decided to open it up to one of my favorite quotes from Corinthian and actually read it from the pages.

Love is patient, love is kind.  It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things endures all things.
1 Corinthian 13, 4-7

I wish I had read it sooner to recenter my love and remember the it bears, believes, hopes and endures all things.

Line 8: Love never fails.
Line 13: So faith, hope, love remains, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Just some final thoughts I head to slumber...

Strong but delicate...

I spoke to a friend tonight, an ex to be honest.  We've had some unfinished business for the longest time.  I told him about the surgery and he asked if I was okay.  We talked for a little bit and it reminded me of how we were friends at one point and always cared for each other.  I had been there for him to share comforting words with the passing with his grandma and now he's trying to offer he same support for me.

As we talked, he did say something interesting.  He told me that I was a "strong woman but delicate."  It was interesting to hear it but I ask if this was something he figured out during the tenure of our relationship and he said yes.  It allowed me to frame myself.

Strong but delicate...

One week ago...one week to go.

So it's been a week and I know I'm still feeling as sad about all the happenings.  I have made progress in that I haven't cried over the past two days when I think about what happened.  I know I still have fight in me as I don't want to give up on this relationship but at the same time I know I have one week left to go before my surgery.  He hasn't spoken to me since Saturday which has been hurtful to me but I know he has his reasons and I have to learn to respect it.

I feel like he's given up on me...something that hurts but I guess it's fair as he probably felt the same thing last week.  I don't know how to tell him that I haven't given up on him or us but I am thinking he is tired of hearing all of that.

 I know I need to think healthy right now as I have been feeling more pain than normal.  My emotional and mental well-being is the most important right  now.  Even if my heart is breaking, I gotta keep the smile on my face and keep moving on right now.

It hurts...

It is a week before my surgery and I have a lot of work to do for myself between now and then.  This past weekend I have been experiencing more physical pain.  I am not sure what's going on inside but I am guessing that they (the fibroids) know that they are on their way out.  I think I have a higher tolerance for pain that I realize because I have learned to ignore it and thus stifle it.  I am not sure if this is going to work in my favor or not after the 14th or I may just trust my life to Western medicine and some kick ass painkillers.

I have been going against everything my therapist says and have been reaching out to him.  I'm learning that it is actually more harmful than helpful right now but part of me doesn't want him to think I'm giving up on us.  It hurts because I didn't break up with him, he doesn't make me unhappy and there are no expectations for him to meet.   What hurts is that I feel like he believes there are all these standards and pressures for him to meet and he feels that he isn't meeting them.  He has been one of the best things in my life this past year where I have learned so much about me, him, our relationship, etc.

It hurts because I don't know if he really knows what I'm going through and it hurts that I have no idea what's going on on his end.

Every now and then when I feel like I need it, I listen to an old voicemail.  Hearing him say "hi honey, how are you?" and "I love you" brings a smile to my face...I worry that I will never hear it again.

Last, I feel like I should have done something more Saturday night.  It hurts because I am too scared to make any grand gestures.  I have always been scared.

Even after all these years I'm still scared... and that's probably what hurts the most.   

Dreams of him...

I woke up to remembering a night filled with dreams involving him.  Almost two distinct dreams where he played in there.

The first one for some reason I originally started with family and ended up driving nearby to go buy stuff.  When I was done, I was driving back home when something happened to my car which made me unable to drive it.  For some odd reason though, I luckily had my bike in my trunk and began to ride over to his place since I was closer to him that to him.  Apparently I was leaving my car in a dangerous neighborhood so as I was driving away, I wasn't particularly paying attention to where I left the car but I had the GPS on so hopefully I'd be able to back track my path.  When I got to where he lived, he wasn't there but his friend was.  She told me that he had left to go get my car and he'd be back soon.

I guess that dreamed ended there and I began another one or maybe it was a continuation with a different story line.

I was at my house but the old house that I grew up in.  Somehow I had an unusual roommate, more like a reformed bad guy who was trying to escape his bad past.  While we were all in the house, his "friends" came looking for him.  They busted up my back door trying to get to him and even took the lock on the door, stating that they needed it.  I argued but someone told me it would be easier for us to buy a new one that try to get it back from the gang of "bad" guys in the backyard.  It may have been him who told me that purely because in real life, he would tell me stuff like that.

Before I knew it, the doorbell rang and he and his family were at my door.  Everyone was dressed up as if they had just left a quince.  His mom and dad came up to me, his dad first and said hi in Spanish.  I greeted him, the best way that I knew and that he had taught me and his dad looked at me as he was expecting more.  I was pretty lost for words but the next thing I knew, he laughed and smiled and everything was okay.  For once, I felt like his family had somewhat accepted me but then I woke up.


It's funny because I feel like these were the type of experiences I wanted in life that were occurring in my dreams especially now.  He's always been the hero in my story, maybe even when he didn't want to be.

For once in my life I actually felt that I had found someone that loved me for me, even with my chunky monkey shell.  I loved him for so many reasons which sometimes I am not sure if I ever told him and now it's too late...

I didn't wake up sad...more reflective on how I need to be.  It seems like cutting off my hair is bringing new things to me as a lot of weight is gone now.

Part of me wants to keep seeing him in my dreams as a substitute to now getting to see him in real life but part me doesn't because I want him in real life and not my dreams.

Right now, my dreams may be the only place where I have safety and security...and escape from real life.

I love him...

We were suppose to go to the Frozen sing along.  We had made the plans a while ago to take the girls to go.  I told him that I still would like him to go.  He told me, in return, that he wasn't feeling well.  Part of me felt like it was an excuse to not come but at the same time knew that it was probably true too.   He wasn't particularly receptive to my offering to bring him something.

It kinda hurt.  I've always wanted to take care of him.  He does a lot of me.  Sometimes more than I show him appreciation for.  I wanted to bring him something and part of me knew I was going to do it whether he liked it or not. I decided to bring him soup since the last time he was really sick we went out and he had tortilla soup, one of his favorites.  I called ahead to the restaurant we had gone to when he had it and ordered it ahead of time.  I know he's a guy and being that he eats dinner on the late side that he probably hadn't planned dinner yet and it would be a nice surprise.

Part of me felt like I was intruding by stopping by but part of me couldn't be okay with not doing something for him when I knew he wasn't feeling well.  I'm not sure if it was well received and if he truly appreciated that I brought him the soup and throat drops prior to attending to my plans.  I didn't do it as an effort to get him back but because I love him.

It was hard to not want to be close to him since my niece was there.  I didn't want her to see the true awkwardness of the situation.  Part of me wanted to kiss him and make him feel better but I knew it wouldn't be that easy...or would it?  I couldn't take the chance without feeling burned.

At the sing along, I thought about him.  We had seen Frozen together with the girls and being that we had planned to go together, it was tough to not have him there.

I miss him more and more everyday.  I don't know if he still loves me or feel the same.  Maybe I am losing him but I try to be my best.

After today's haircut, I feel like I am looking my best.  I am trying to be positive because I know that's what I need.  After all, I am only 8 days away and I know I'm not prepared.

The only thing I know is I love him...and maybe that is good enough for me.

Some realizations

We spent time together.  It was good and then it was bad.  I realized I wasn't ready to just be with him as if we were just friends.  The whole night I wanted to grab his hand so I could hold it but I didn't.  When he hugged me, I wanted to kiss him like we'd always kiss when we met up.  When we were hugging to say goodbye, he held me a long time and part of me wanted to stay there forever but I knew it wouldn't be that way and always pull away first.  :(

I learned tonight that he doesn't think he's the one for me anymore, that I am not happy with him, that he doesn't meet my expectations.   It hurt a lot hearing this.  I love him and want to be with him.  He has been my support for this time.  He makes me smile when I think about him.  I look forward to those hugs and kisses, his smile, his "hi honey!", all those things.  

I never realized that my (recent) negativity was wearing him down.  It hurt me because I wish I had known so I could stop it and be aware to work on not bringing it to him.  I don't want him to think that that's all I am.  He's worked so hard to be good for me and I didn't realize it.

I gave him back the chain that I wore as a bracelet tonight out of anger when he told me he still didn't think we should be together.  I loved wearing something that was from him because it was a constant reminder of him.  But at the same time, it was hurting me because it was a constant reminder of him.  My wrist feels a little bare missing the other bracelet.   I wish I hadn't given it back to him now but I don't know if he'll offer it back to me.

I'm still hurting.  I'm not ready.  I still love him.  I know that I always will.  It sucks and I'm realizing the hurt is deeper than I thought...

Progress or regression?

We talked last night.  It was a good talk with what I felt like was positive movement towards reconciliation.  It may just be my looking for the positive, I don't know.  I knew last night, I went to bed feeling okay.

I woke up physically feeling pain.  Moving around and positioning myself on the bed, I can feel the hardness and it shifting about inside of me.  I feel like in nine days I may feel like a completely new person with a mark for life.

I've had my hopes up all day and so far nothing.  I am not sure what to think but I'm noticing that two days of progress have been undone by one conversation.  I know I need to stay focus on my personal health and well-being.  My conversation with a good friends made me feel better ad I feel like I know of things I can continue to work on.

Positive thoughts please.  I need them.

The hardest 24 hours...

It's been 24 hours since I've texted him or email him or talked to him.  It's been the TOUGHEST 24 hours of my life.  :(  It has been difficult not sending (or receiving) my daily good mornings but I know he needs time as much as I need time.

I always listen to music when I'm sitting at my desk and today I decided to make a "break up songs" channel on Pandora.  I feel like I'm just punishing myself but part of me feels that I deserve it.  If things don't work out, I think I will forever punish myself over this because he really was "the one."

Though I've been weird about it lately, I've always loved how he looks at me.  He's been super supportive of me and I feel recently there's been too much going on with me where it was difficult for him to support me.  He's always tried his best and I've come to realize I haven't shown him the appreciation he deserves.  If he gives me the opportunity, I will never ever let him feel unappreciated.

So my doctor's office has scheduled my surgery for July 14 at 10am.  They're going to get back to me to let me know if my insurance authorizes it and the hospital is okay with that time and date.  I'm nervous.  I have less than 12 days before I begin a tough six weeks.

Am I mentally ready?  No.
Am I emotionally ready?  No.
Am I physically ready?  Who knows!

So my goal is to prepare myself.  One day at a time...



Just words to leave behind....the lyrics to Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up"

A necessary return...

It's been years since I've blogged.  Partially due to a full schedule but mostly due to a lack of dedicating time to doing it. A lot has gone on recently but tonight I blog with a purpose...to heal.

My relationship recently ended on Saturday due to a silly thing.  It was my fault, my words.  The man I lost has meant the world to me for over a year and only since last October were we exclusively together.  I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family with him.  It's been a difficult few days for me as I have attempted to process this whole situation.  I feel lost because he has been my light these past months.  I feel like I've learned a lot from him but I have yet to learn the most important thing, how to be loved.

It was interesting.  He said that maybe he did not know how to love me.  I disagreed.  I've experienced his love over these months.  I saw it in his eyes when he looked at me.  But yesterday, when I was attempting to salvage what we had, I couldn't see it.  He had put a wall up to protect himself from me.  I was no longer freely welcomed into his heart.  I could feel his pain.  I could feel my pain even more intensely.  No matter what I said, what I did, he could not look past those words, "have a nice life then."

I spent time last night reading over the conversation from Saturday, hating myself for having it happened.  I was jealous.  I was insecure.  I was lost.  I have been doing with a health issue.  I recently diagnosed with uterine fibroids and was waiting for today's appointment to find out what the next step was.  I've come to learn that I will have to have surgery to remove six fibroids, one approximately 8 inches in diameter.  Though I have learned from other people, it seems like a common procedure, I am scared.  My doctor informed me that the procedure would potentially involve a lot of blood loss so they had to make sure my blood count was good.  If there are complications during the procedure, I may lose my uterus and essentially my ability to have children.  All these things that I had never worried before were suddenly staring me right in the face.  The scariest part was that I no longer had my partner, the person that had been by my side and giving me comfort.

I talked to him tonight about the information that was given to me by my doctor.  I talked about other things, what he meant to me, things that I wish we had worked on in our relationship and basically things that could improve it.  I was no longer speaking to the same man who had loved me these past months.  I was talking to someone who was protecting his heart, be rightfully guarded...from me.  Though he is guarded, he still wants to know my progress.  It's tough because I feel like I don't have his support and part of me believes that I no longer deserve it (the most heartbreaking part.)

His birthday is next week and I know I won't be able to share it with him.  Instead, I have a mammogram and ultrasound schedule to figure out what is going on with the mass in my left breast.  I am planning to schedule my surgery on the 14th and I am scared that he won't come in to see me.  It breaks my heart to think it but again, I feel like I deserve it.

I have decided to give him his distance.  He deserves it.  I hurt him...which in turned hurt me.  Part of me feels like I'm spiraling into a depression that I don't want to get out of but I know I can't let it happen.

So here is my attempt.  I need to give myself the necessary care to make me better.  I can hope that one day he will forgive me and possibly allow himself to love me again but for now, I need to try to love me.