MY FEARS: the THINKFEST continues. . .

Out on the road today, I saw a black flag sticker on a cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "don’t look back. you can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

its an ENDLESS cycle! a VICIOUS cycle! an INEVITABLE cycle! I'm constantly thinking about my fate in the world of romance! *sigh* (<-- something I haven't done AS much in the past year. . not sure if that's good or bad yet!) why you ask? the reasons shall be listed below:

1. my FEAR of REJECTION: I know! everyone has this one! who isn't scared of someone saying "NO??" I always have someone who'll ask me, "what's the WORST that could happen?" (good job, let's get my "worst case scenario" section of the brain working!) let's see, how about the guy just TRYING to hold back the laughter and say "no." granted its NOT that bad but it is. why bother with the "no." I'd rather skip it than go through it! scaredy cat? YES!! that would be me!! **flashback!** first memorable moment of rejction: 8th grade. I was IN LOVE with one of my blossoming friends, the head trumpet player! (ah yes, a band romance!) I took the initiative and he said "no." end of story. we were still friends of course (flutes and trumpets aren't that far from each other to not be) but it was slightly agonizing watching and hearing him mention other girls. live goes on but still, it would have been better for my little 8th grade self if he had said yes!
2. my (growing) FEAR of COMMITMENT: who would have thought that JANE (of all people!) would have a FEAR of COMMITMENT?!?!?! I've always LOVED commitment!! while most of my friends have fear it during our wonderful years at UT, I was just welcoming it with OPEN ARMS! it wasn't until I had my first major heartbreak that I began to wander towards the arms of the FofC. There was still HOPE after I turned 21 and starting experience what "dating" was all about. . .well until it SUCKED! now at the ripe old age of (almost. . .only 11 days shy!) 24, I welcome and fear commitment. Part of me wants to find the man that will keep me at constant smile, willing to listen to ever word (and there's a lot of them) coming out of my mouth, holding my hand through all my fears and all that other good stuff. but what keeps me from finding that one person is the fear that all that wonderfulness will end one day, making me have to start back at SQUARE ONE! UGH!! I ABHOR SQUARE ONE!!
3. my FEAR of the UNKNOWN: to be honest, I'm not a fan of predictability. when Giang and I got to that point, I would always bring it up. "hunnie, you're ALWAYS so predictable! what happened?" oh yes, I remember how he would suddenly try to be EXTREMELY unpredictable. adorable cute and sweet but I digress. I can't stand letting "ALL OF THIS" be in the hands of fate. it SCARES me! what if it's not meant to work? I'd rather not go through it! why go through all the hurt again? isn't one time enough already?? (I know hurt is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid but still!!)
   
4. my FEAR of falling in LOVE and getting HURT: this is the culmination of all three fears! ultimately the one thing I want most is also the one thing I fear the most! *sigh* (<~ again it appears!) it all makes sense. falling in love requires the possibility of rejection, commitment and the unknown! a big smorgsborg, if you will, of things I fear! SHOOT, the nine year plan was purely made in order to prevent THIS fear from occurring! (I'm actually trying to get back on track but I'll be a little behind!) but how can I stay away from something that I've always wanted??

it's funny how I'm writing about this. I LOVE being in like! well shit, I LOVE the idea of being in love! but at the same exact time, my stomach flips at the thought of it! the thought of sharing that much of myself again to someone.

I know people are going to tell me to let the past be the past but my PAST molds my PRESENT! Unless someone tries to leave me a better past to remember, I'm stuck. I know that only I can control my own happiness (one of the many things emphasized in my human sexuality class!) but I dunno sometimes. I really honestly don't.

EVERYONE, please keep in mind that writing this doesn't make me sad, it just makes me think. Maybe I need to let all this go and then I'll find happiness?? (HAHAHA!) I don't know! So here I ask y'all, my small readership, what are your fears when it comes to relationships, if any? If you are part of the fearless, how did you reach this place (and can I buy into that membership somehow?) Am I crazy or am I just like every other human being with some mileage on his/her heart?