another REFLECTIVE moment. . .

before I reflect, I have to just write about the cutest thing that Tabitha does. in her (almost) 14 months of life, she has always seen adults give her part of their food by biting a little piece and feeding it to her. now, since she's older, she reciprocates the act by sharing her food in the same exact way its shared to her. lemme tell you, its the funniest thing when a 14 month year old, bites part of her chip, fishes it out of her mouth and hands it to ya. gotta love her!! =)

so I guess I'm going through a "loner" phase. . .well kinda sorta. I've actually been keeping up with random people via their personal journal/blog/xanga and its interesting what people write. I'm going to follow the pattern of what D wrote on his. it got me thinking. . .

*REFLECTION BEGINS*
I've been "in love" once, and ONLY once in my life. it was the only time where I felt butterflies when we talked and spent time together, where my heart raced and all I wanted to do was be in the presence of this guy. oddly enough, it was the happiest and saddest time of my life. it was funny how things started though. I honestly don't say much about it because 5-6 years ago, how we met was sorta unconventional (online). shoot, we BOTH avoided discussion on that topic. (well I guess I was a little liberal on the discussion with close friends. new people at met in school I was careful with.)
I remember living in the condo and being somewhat lonely my freshmen year since all my good friends were living in the dorms. I didnt live far away but I still wasn't down the hall either. I would constantly chat to keep myself busy. I had just gotten a cell phone and realized that with free long distance, I could make friends EVERYWHERE! LOL (naive kid!) I started talking to John from LA and randomly told him one night "here's my cell, call me sometime!" never expecting him to call (which he didnt.) I'd always try to catch him when he was online, basically because our conversations were soo much fun!! heck, to me the internet was just making the big big world a lot smaller.
winter break came around and I was back in Houston spending the holidays with my family. I was in the kitchen with Mom and I remembering someone tellling me my phone was ringing! by the time, I got to it, I had missed the call. I didn't recognize the number so I called back. this was the beginning of it all.
I called back. I had NO idea who he was at first. it took a little bit of time before I figured out it was John from BR. we talked about the most random shiet that night: to be exact, Deuce Bigalow, Male Giggalo. We didn't understand each other: he had what I thought was a "ghetto" accent (maybe that was somewhat Cajun?) and I talked too fast for him. somehow, neither of us knew what was to come from this initial phone conversation.
we got to know each other over the spring semester. we talked all the time, on dialpad (the most wonderful thing in the world when you're poor and can't pay overage on your cell!) and like the gullible romantic blah blah blah that I am, I developed feelings for him. I think I just grew on him (not as special huh?). anyways. . .I was pretty surprised/shocked/scared by how quickly I invested emotions into some guy I had never met before!! it was even a LONG time before I even saw a picture of him!! (I remember making my roommate Janna look and tell me what she thought of him since she wasn't bias- all based on the fact that she was white. lol) regardless, I had developed a relationship with him that I had never felt like I had before. Amazing. . .
a year passed with us corresponding via phone/email/IM before he finally came to Houston to visit me. it was great. . .it became the beginning of something. . .and that was it. . .another year later, I saw the end of it. . .and essentially the end of a really dear friendship. till this day, it makes me sad that we don't keep in touch. it breaks my heart actually but what can you do? you cant make a person do something.
I miss that feeling I had with him. I wish I could just be that close emotionally with someone again. it's been a long time. . .a very long time. sometimes I wonder if I'm ready to be close (and/or willing) to be close to someone like that again. I'll never know if I don't try.

****currently 1am***
thanks Huy for the conversation. you're too awesome. . .thats why I gotta love ya!! =)

Institute. . .
so this is Gavin Rossdale's new band. . .I LOVE HIM! I remember seeing Bush play YEARS ago with Trang and Ricky and some. it was freaking awesome! have to say that I loved Moby a lot more that night. ah when concerts were only $20! I was reading People Online and they were talking about Gwen and Gavin and it brought up his new band Institute. listened to their song "Bullet Proof Skin." definitely liked it! something to check out in the future!! I was actually really sad because they were here last Tuesday at the Engine Room. I could have been just FEET away from Gavin!! GAVIN!!!!! *sigh* it's okay. maybe another time =)

It's weird but I really need local guy friends. I was talking to Huy last night and man, sometimes I really wish he lived her. I would marry him if I knew he was made for me! =) Huy's a great guy, too bad girls in SA can't figure that out and swoop him up already!! It's amazing how we weren't really friends for years and now we're pretty cool. College friends are pretty amazing!!

For some reason I feel like I'm forgetting something. . but not sure what it is. . . it'll come to me eventually but until then. . .

Time for Readjustments
so I'm glad I just got to vent on my own on Wednesday's blog. it was definitely something I'm glad I did. whether anyone reads it, responds to it, whatever, I don't care. it was really for ME! unfortunately I don't have a "personal" option on blogger or I would be writing a lot more often just for myself.

So as everyone may now, school started on Tuesday and so far, so good! I've been EXTREMELY productive which I'm proud of. I actually do work, instead of going about goofy off with friends. I wake up at the butt crack of dawn (a.k.a 5am) to get to school before 6:30. I'm doing tutoring in the LGI this year so I need to get there early. hey, it's an extra $200 a month if I go everyday!! That's some good shiet!! extra money is always a GOOD thing! I've also been EXTEMELY tired when I get home. I just get home, go upstairs to put my stuff down, shower and then go downstairs and pass out!! Last night was the first time this week I stayed up till 11pm!! THAT'S LATE!! lol. . .sad, especially from the girl who stayed up till 5am sometimes during the summer.

I've decided to actively attempt at going to some of these MeetIn events. I'm thinking about dong Last Saturday and the Social Mixer. it'll be a good way to meet people outside of work. not only that, I'm extremely excited about tomorrow night for Suzanne's bday. it'll be fun to go to Sherlock's out on West Gray to hang out and stuff. I might be able to stop by and see Trang's new apartment and stuff. it'll be good to just get out (even though gas is freaking EXPENSIVE!)

I went and bought the Bowling for Soup and Mariah Carey cd. LOVE THEM (probably more Soup than Mimi) even though I've heard "We Belong Together" for a while, when I read the lyrics, I realized that's what I missed from any and all of my relationships:
who else am I gonna lean on
when times get rough
who's gonna talk to me on the phone
till the sun comes up
yeah. . .I miss that. no matter how good of friends I have, they'll never understand some things. there's things that I can never tell them like I can do some people. one of those unexplainable things. . .

oh well =\

COMPLAINT

I've decided not to write about school today and how things went. instead, I've decided to just complain, maybe even vent so readers bear with me!

I like to think I'm a fairly easy person to get along with. I don't intentially ever come off as controversial or unwelcoming but apparently some people just dont like me.

Case in point, Derek.

He's a new teacher at work and I'm starting to really notice that he's just "rude" and unwelcoming around me. I've always cared what people thought about me but in this case, I really don't give a damn. I don't know what his deal with me is but I'm starting to be slightly offended by him. Maybe I'm seeing it from a bias slant now but I don't know. Sometimes you just don't get a good feeling about people? Honestly I think I never gave, acted or reacted to him in our few interactions in a way for him to develop a bad opinion of me. Maybe the boy just doesn't like Asian people. Whatever it is, I am officially NOT a fan of him. To be blatantly honest, I really don't EVER want to be in a social setting with him. . .EVER! Professionally, I'm stuck with it. Apparently we will have some similar students, I already know of one. But if necessary, I will always try to stay away from him because he just sends me a weird vibe. I'm sick of giving this aura excuse. Last year, I could see that with Jeremy. With Derek, I just think he has some against me. Whatever it is, he can shove it. (Maybe that's mean but 1. I'm beaing honest and 2. he'll never read this.)

DISCLAIMER: I'm really not a hateful person. It's just that it annoys the crap out of me when people act differently around me versus my friends, especially if it's blatantly obvious (to me) and IT IS!! I like to think that I'm tolerable and likeable but man!!

Whatever. I'm done with it. I'm just going to stay away and be work appropriate. Sorry Pam but if I bail out on group activities, you'll know why.

Night people.

the night before school. . .
so i havent really wrote much lately. lemme recap whats been going on.

friday - sunday (my birthday weekend)
lets say Austin was a blast. i love going up to visit and hang out with friends! i'm always amazed at what happens when i'm up there! staying at the Omni was nice. not having to worry about driving back and forth after a night of drinking is great! that walk back UP hill was excruciating but as you can see i lived!! i actually at the last minute called David G friday nite. he called me back telling me i should have called him earlier so he would have been able to come out for my bday. he really amazes me. my attraction/draw towards him amazes me especially since he's so bad on so many levels!! like REALLY bad! maybe he's my boy version of kryptonite. lol bday weekend was great though. parents got me an ice cream cake (my favorite) and i'm still eating it!! i love my family! i dont say it enough but i do!!

today. . last day before school starts. i took it easy today at work getting all my last minute things together. we'll see how things work. i still have some things to do once i get to work tomorrow but i wont worry too much about it till i get there. i do have 3rd period off so it'll give me time to actually think over what i NEED to do. after work, the girls and i went to get manis and pedis. i called up my mom and she met me up. she's too funny sometimes! she cracks me up! she doesnt give herself enough credit when it comes to her english. mom can be quite social, she just needs to JUST DO IT. the girls and i met up with one of the new wld geo teachers at la madeliene for dinner. DUDE, she really is a party animal. im sure i would totally love to party it up with her if i had my own apt but i doubt i could hang. i'm getting old. LOL. i'm now in my mid-20s. good gracious!! hehe oh wellz. . .

soo i'm going to bid everyone good nite. the nap kinda screwed me over a little bit but i'm hoping i'll be able to pass out. my clothes are ironed and hanging on my closet door, everything is set, i'm ready!!

welcome to the class of 2009! (DAMN!)


oh yeah, just remembered. . whats up with all these solicitors commenting? i hate when people turn my blog into free advertisement! GRRRR!! is there like a complaint department at blogger??

Happy Birthday to. . .

ME!!

So I'm up (when I have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to sign up for duty) and I need to go to bed. I had my first bday wish from my brother and then my 2nd one from Shazia! I love Shazia and I miss her sooo much! It's always great talking to her. She's always reassuring and a great person to touch base with! I really hate that we don't talk as much since she's so busy but I need to call her just to call sometimes. I'm a loser like that.

For those who don't know, I'll be in Austin tonite thru Saturday afternoon to celebrate my birthday! I haven't been up to Austin since March so it'll be nice! Pam and I will be staying at the Omni which will be nice since we'll be only 2 blocks away from 6th! I'm really excited that she'll be coming up to meet and hang out with all the Austin people! It should be quite an occasion.

Happy 24th to me!!! =D (didn't mention it earlier so had to do it again!)

(Yeah, I'm probably a little TOO excited but I'm ALWAYS like this for my birthday. If I'm not, who will??)

Oh yeah, for you cartoon enthusiast, check out The Boondocks. It's some funny stuff. Huy told me about it last nite and I read all of the posted ones on this site. Check it out! I love political commentary!!

I can't sleep!
dude, I'm majorly screwed! with work officially starting this week (minus the kids) and teaching starting next week, I dont have much time to get back into my normal sleep schedule! I'm just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, stressing over a bunch of random things. how the hell am I suppose to fall into a peaceful sleep?? I'm going to dead tomorrow at the science dept meeting. . OH WELL!!

maybe I'll count something. . .sheep, fingers, toes, hairs on my head, cars driving by, SOMETHING!! I'm going to go nuts!! if none of this works, I might have to resort to passing out via vodka!!

wish me luck with my attempts at sleep!

it's official. . .

the artist is out of my life. it's weird but he somehow got twisted my words so that I felt bad in the end. I don't get it. maybe I should feel bad but I don't like how I feel that HE did it to ME!! it probably wasn't that way but it sure does feel like it!!

oh yeah, i drank 'too' much tonight! its one of those times where I realized that I haven't drank that much in a while so now I feel crappy. oh well, it's all in good fun! I mean, cmon!! I won half the pot!! (I should have taken more since I had more chips but $20 is good enough for me! YEAH!)

nite nite

FlutterBee...
so I'm still awake and now going to be expecting a HUGE cell phone bill. damn me. my cycle doesn't start over till mid-month. I'm so going to regret this later!! it's funny how you sometimes meet people at the wrong time and way.

I was talking to the artist tonight. it was interesting. I've come to realized that the sheer difference in his life and mine makes me that more intriguing to me. it's really hard to explain other than I like people who are different and he DEFINITELY fits into that category. he's different from me! I don't even know how to explain how's he's different from me. it could be purely because I feel like he's different from me. I'm slowly falling into the trap of all the romanticism. it was funny because he was about to read me lyrics to some song and he told me "let me read them to you. I'm NOT trying to romanticize you or anything." I believed him but didn't want to stay on the phone any longer. he might be doing nothing but I'm coming to realize that I'm doing all that work for him.

it's funny because sometimes I think I just need to meet the right person for me and fall in love. I easily fall into this trap of liking people, being intrigued by people, ect. it's tiring. I don't want it anymore. I don't like getting hurt but I dont like running away from things either. it's no good.

I told him tonight that this probably isn't going to continue anymore after work starts. I mean, honestly, I can't stay up till 6am every night talking to him!! it's NOT going to work! I can't have a phone relationship all over again. unlike some guys, it's becoming interesting, parallel to others that have gotten me all mixed up. PLUS, he compared me to his recent ex tonight. apparently I share some phone convo qualities with her. how good could that be??

but nevertheless, I feel the flutterbees. that funny feeling. . .or maybe I'm just hungry for breakfast. . .

p.s. reoccurring thoughts of tattoos. . .is it just around birthday time that I have this??? *sigh*

battle scars. . . and more!

so today's (thursday) original plan of making a day trip to Austin totally didn't happen! I didn't wake up therefore didn't make the drive. . . pooo! instead we (my bro and I) opted to go biking on the mountain bike trails at memorial park instead. OMG they were awesome! to be honest, I was pretty damn scared! we got there decked out in long sleeve shirts and shorts (because I can't imagine biking in pants!) with TONS of off sprayed on! no mosquito bites!! instead, i got myself a big ass bruise on my leg!! it's starting to turn purple now. . .yeah! i'm starting to love all that nature hold for me but at the same time, nature is kicking my ass!! =)

so I was reading random blogs. . .(well not EXTREMELY random) and found myself a topic to ponder. I've come to realize that some of my posts may misrepresent who I am as a person. (honestly, I really don't care because people who actually know me know I'm not THAT bad!) It's funny because I've had this blog for quite a while now, going three years! (DAMN!) I've always used it as a place to bitch about the daily happenings in my life. for some reason, journaling electronically became easier than journaling on paper! (probably because I spend TONS of time on the computer!) I've never had many people read my thoughts, just a few friends here and there who read to see what was going on with me or to make sure I was still alive (*ahem* a phone call would be better!) I guess now with the option to comment, I tend to see this as a forum for input. I mean, sometimes, wherever we are, we wonder if we're the only person thinking/feeling/doing something. it's nice for someone in a different city, state, country to say "well damn!! me too!!" =)

so here's my statement du jour: fuck it! =) think what you will but I'm sure you're more like me than you think!!

with that, I bid you adieu! there's some type of drama that I must go and be a part of!

FINALLY DONE!
I've finally finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. it's about damn time! it was definitely a good read. I really can't believe I took that long to read it! I'm kinda sad about what happens but it makes me wonder what's next! Damn J.K. Rowling for taking her time in releasing her books! I'm sure she's done, just trying to take a long time. it's a good way to build hype so she can earn a pretty penny. can't blame a girl for trying to make some money!

MY FEARS: the THINKFEST continues. . .

Out on the road today, I saw a black flag sticker on a cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "don’t look back. you can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

its an ENDLESS cycle! a VICIOUS cycle! an INEVITABLE cycle! I'm constantly thinking about my fate in the world of romance! *sigh* (<-- something I haven't done AS much in the past year. . not sure if that's good or bad yet!) why you ask? the reasons shall be listed below:

1. my FEAR of REJECTION: I know! everyone has this one! who isn't scared of someone saying "NO??" I always have someone who'll ask me, "what's the WORST that could happen?" (good job, let's get my "worst case scenario" section of the brain working!) let's see, how about the guy just TRYING to hold back the laughter and say "no." granted its NOT that bad but it is. why bother with the "no." I'd rather skip it than go through it! scaredy cat? YES!! that would be me!! **flashback!** first memorable moment of rejction: 8th grade. I was IN LOVE with one of my blossoming friends, the head trumpet player! (ah yes, a band romance!) I took the initiative and he said "no." end of story. we were still friends of course (flutes and trumpets aren't that far from each other to not be) but it was slightly agonizing watching and hearing him mention other girls. live goes on but still, it would have been better for my little 8th grade self if he had said yes!
2. my (growing) FEAR of COMMITMENT: who would have thought that JANE (of all people!) would have a FEAR of COMMITMENT?!?!?! I've always LOVED commitment!! while most of my friends have fear it during our wonderful years at UT, I was just welcoming it with OPEN ARMS! it wasn't until I had my first major heartbreak that I began to wander towards the arms of the FofC. There was still HOPE after I turned 21 and starting experience what "dating" was all about. . .well until it SUCKED! now at the ripe old age of (almost. . .only 11 days shy!) 24, I welcome and fear commitment. Part of me wants to find the man that will keep me at constant smile, willing to listen to ever word (and there's a lot of them) coming out of my mouth, holding my hand through all my fears and all that other good stuff. but what keeps me from finding that one person is the fear that all that wonderfulness will end one day, making me have to start back at SQUARE ONE! UGH!! I ABHOR SQUARE ONE!!
3. my FEAR of the UNKNOWN: to be honest, I'm not a fan of predictability. when Giang and I got to that point, I would always bring it up. "hunnie, you're ALWAYS so predictable! what happened?" oh yes, I remember how he would suddenly try to be EXTREMELY unpredictable. adorable cute and sweet but I digress. I can't stand letting "ALL OF THIS" be in the hands of fate. it SCARES me! what if it's not meant to work? I'd rather not go through it! why go through all the hurt again? isn't one time enough already?? (I know hurt is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid but still!!)
   
4. my FEAR of falling in LOVE and getting HURT: this is the culmination of all three fears! ultimately the one thing I want most is also the one thing I fear the most! *sigh* (<~ again it appears!) it all makes sense. falling in love requires the possibility of rejection, commitment and the unknown! a big smorgsborg, if you will, of things I fear! SHOOT, the nine year plan was purely made in order to prevent THIS fear from occurring! (I'm actually trying to get back on track but I'll be a little behind!) but how can I stay away from something that I've always wanted??

it's funny how I'm writing about this. I LOVE being in like! well shit, I LOVE the idea of being in love! but at the same exact time, my stomach flips at the thought of it! the thought of sharing that much of myself again to someone.

I know people are going to tell me to let the past be the past but my PAST molds my PRESENT! Unless someone tries to leave me a better past to remember, I'm stuck. I know that only I can control my own happiness (one of the many things emphasized in my human sexuality class!) but I dunno sometimes. I really honestly don't.

EVERYONE, please keep in mind that writing this doesn't make me sad, it just makes me think. Maybe I need to let all this go and then I'll find happiness?? (HAHAHA!) I don't know! So here I ask y'all, my small readership, what are your fears when it comes to relationships, if any? If you are part of the fearless, how did you reach this place (and can I buy into that membership somehow?) Am I crazy or am I just like every other human being with some mileage on his/her heart?