a more depressing blog. . .
DISCLAIMER: if you're not in the mood for a boo-hoo fest on my part, don't bother reading. It's the hormones. . .I promise!!

HONESTLY, I think I've done well over the past year when it came to the idea of boys. I haven't been in a "serious" relationship in YEARS but during college, I always had some type of boy dilemma to figure out. For some reason, that always was a good thing. In my mind, at least I had some guy in my life that I was trying to figure out or something like that. NOW, there's nothing. PLEASE don't think that I'm just trying to bring drama upon myself. I mean, MAYBE that's the case but I dunno. I always found it nice to have a guy to call up on the weekend and be like "let's go out, see ya downtown in 30?" *sigh* It's times like this that I really think that I'm going to die OLD and ALONE. I don't get it sometimes. I always got out of relationships, situations, whatever you want to call the scenario with guy where they knew I was a great girl. Giang told me that he knew he was making the biggest mistake of his life at that time. Doug has to know that there was always something "different" between us that made it fun and last to just wanna hang out. Obviously, there had to be something else to make him want to cut me out before I accidently cut him. =( It just makes me mad. . . and sad. All my friends/acquaintances are surrounded by guys who care/like/enjoy being around them with the potential for more. I'm happy for all of them, really, I am!! It just makes me wonder what makes me so ghastly horrible! *sigh* I guess for the first time in my post-college life (granted, it's ONLY been a year) I feel ALONE.

Some background: I've always been one of those girls who wanted the "happily ever after." SHOOT, four years ago, I was a girl with a plan. I wanted to fall in love, be engaged and married by 26. I wanted to find the one guy that made me smile when he was and wasn't around. I wanted the highest amount of gushy mushy there was. Then I entered the ending of my college career and gave up on that. (They say that if you don't meet anyone by your junior or senior year, you're not gonna meet anyone.) LOL . . .damn! The little dating I did helped me realize how hard it was going to be for me when I graduated and BOY has it been tough!

I started to focus on my professinal side. I came up with the (then) 9 year plan which I haven't been really good at sticking with. With the intent to go back to school (most likely law school if I can get in), going to work for UNESCO, practicing some law (to pay off the bills!) and then coming back into the education field. . .hopefully in policy and then one day back to teaching. ALL OF THAT was to take my mind off the lack of success with guys.

My good guy friend says I'm picky when it comes to guys. I , honestly, never really thought that. I've always gone for substance, as unbelievable as that sounds! People are right when they say looks matter first. You can't see a person's personality when you look at them but that's what keeps you around. I think I've only dated ONE person that all my roommates and friends would have found EXTREMELY attractive. Till this day, I still don't understand why he wanted to be around me! (yes, a little bit of self-loathing. . .oh well!)

Is it so hard to meet someone that I can feel comfortable around and have fun with?? It just drives me NUTS! I'm sick and tired of all the games that people play! All the rules, guideless, guessing (and sometimes checking!) GRRRRRRR!!

Okay. ENOUGH! I don't feel like man-hating because that's not the issue at hand. I don't hate guys, I just still don't understand them. It's starting to make me hate me. . .