currently riding on the emotional rollercoaster of life
good news first. . .ROCKETS WIN!! they beat Dallas at the last minute by 2 pts, thanks to TMac! twas an AWESOME shot!! final score 113-111. i love playoffs!! i cant wait to watch more of it!!

monday was SUPER UNproductive. i did jacksquat! spend most of the morning at the doctor for my niece. . she's definitely a screamer!! ended up passing out downstairs after watching her and basically did nothing else! i was suppose to grade but apparently that did NOT happen. i think im going to seriously have to take all my papers tomorrow with me to grade. no more BSing around. i have to be serious!

i called Alfredo tonight to seek some answers. its been a while since ive talked to him and stuff so it was just good in general to chitchat. i came to the realization that i AM normal! sad isnt it? my expectations of guys arent overally abnormal or anything therefore i'm not just some overcomplicated bitch. i honestly dont care what people think anymore. its weird but i've never cared what people thought about certain things and at other times, their opinions have meant the world to me. i've come to the conclusion that i AM great and awesome (and i have no idea how many times i've going to have to tell myself that before i believe it!)

its funny because within the last 24hrs i have totally flashbacked on every relationship i've ever had. it sometimes just makes me what to cry how sad things have been for me. lets start at the beginning. . .
*DL: first boy ever. . .first kiss. i didnt know jack shiet. that was good for me, bad for him. to have seen him the other day was INSANE! but yeah, whatever. middle school is amazing sometimes. . .
*LP: totally opened me to another world. the beginning of the corruption. actually i think its because of him that i became so scared of so many things. a girl can only cry so much at the age of 13 thinking that everything sucks for so long. he introduced me to a world of stuff that i was way too innocent to know about. i'm amazed that more didnt happen. he was a horny little bastard!
*AT: amazing to me but i wasnt the same for him. sometimes i wonder how things would have been if my teenage heart had been in it. it could have been amazing. the first time i ever got a meaningful gift from a boy. . my 16th bday. he's still an amazing guy. . i just wish he had better luck with girls. i definitely learned soo much from that one. . .
*SP: good lord! sometimes i think this was an experiment in who knows what. things were good when they were good but they were BAD when they were bad. lets just say that this was something that was DRAGGED all the way into college. . longer than it should have been. becuase of him though, i didnt rebound DANGEROUSLY during the post-Giang times.
*GB: apparently the love of my life when i was in college. he was the one that i saw everything with. even to this day, it makes me sad that we're not friends. i can try EVERYTHING to reconnect but this one is surely lost forever. i shared so much with him that sometimes i wonder what the hell was i thinking?? it was doomed when we first met. . .damn me for having faith in love. thats probably one of the best/worst qualities about me. . believing. he was someone i gave my world to but he never completely gave me or made me part of his world. after two years, i thought we could have had so much together, but it just never came to happen. . .i should have known. another lesson learned. .
*DA: oh geez. . .was never heartbroken by this one, thank god! just really confused. . .sometimes i really wonder what he thinks/thought when it came to me. for me, maybe it was just foolish liking him. haha the first time i go older and i pick a weird one. at times, i thought i met him at the wrong time. . .which could have been true. after a while, i just thought maybe he was ready for anything. sometimes, with him, i wish we were just friends. . .sometimes thats the best thing in the whole wide world. . .

i think after reminiscing, i think i've come to the conclusion that maybe this isnt for me. guys are TOO complicated for me and i've never had much luck. its funny because honestly i dont NEED a guy in my life for me to be complete. but i've always felt, since i was young (and oddly enough, i shared this with Maria last night and Alfredo tonight), i have family and friends that love me conditionally. what would complete me is to find someone (a guy. .ehh) that would love me the same way because i know i would love him that way too. the romantic inside. . .slowly being squashed by the lack of success. there was a reason why i made the life roadmap for until i was 32. i wouldnt have any time to think about guys, relationships, basically love. i've felt that when it came to matters of the heart, God, someone UP there has gone and said "screw you Jane!" and he/she is still doing that to me today! im not asking for love at first sight but dammit, i'm asking for at least recognition that you dont have to work with me or be stuck with me to realize that i am an enjoyable person to be around.

i've tried my hardest to make the world around me a better place. i always try my damnest to make sure all my friends are happy, smiling, laughing. tell me, someone, ANYONE, when will it be my turn?

on that night, i go to bed. . .good night world. . . in the end, i will be okay.