wild west
so i know im not a country girl but man its FUN pretending!! i went to wild west last nite. it was TONS of fun! tryin to country dance, line dance, teaching friends how to dance. it was all good stuff! OMG, wats really nice was that the drinks were super cheap! $1 beers, $1.50 you call it (i think) good stuff! gonna have to take my country music lovin' friends sometime!

oh yeah. . i was close to drunk dialing Mr. AKD. scary stuff. it was almost to say 143, not in the truest sense. it was weird. glad i didnt do it. . .i think

discovering new fresh artists!
so in the last couple of days, i've bought to new CDs.  (i think its part of the whole "i'll be working soon" thing that im purchasing cds!) 

Maria Mena White Turns Blue
you may have heard her song You're The Only One on the radio.  its some funny shiet personally speaking.  its definitely worth checking out if you're into melodic happy sounding music.  she does have some lyrics to listen to.  you might not notice that they're not all girly words but funny indeed!

Fragile (Free)
 
I've been walking around all day, thinking
I think I have a problem, I think  I think too much
I've been taught to hold back my tears and avoid them
But you've made pain into something I could touch
 
I've been walking around all day, laughing
Think I'd be better of without
And I bet you are sweet and hard to get over
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare
Not that's ok, let them stop and stare. . .
 
I am fragile
I am hopeless
I'm not perfect
But I am free. . .
 
I've been walking around all day, waiting
And waiting is all I seem to do
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it
But this time I'll just have to
Yeah this time I'll just have to. . .
 
Say you're not around. . .am I finished?
If you're not around that's too bad
Hope you're safe and sound, not alone now
'cause you know I believe in you
 
its funny how songs can say so much about how you're feeling right now.  i think this one is totally on the dot!  its weird.  its kinda a sad song but then its not.  i like it.  it means a lot to me. =)
 

random stuff

i dont think i ever put this on my blog but i passed my Science 8-12 TeXeS exam!  yeah!  now if i could get off my lazy ass and finish off my certification and then i would be a grade A teacher person!  LOL.  i guess i should get on the ball and do that! 

oh yeah, check out Bond's Classified!  i love the song Lullaby!  where have you seen four majorly HOT chicks play classical music and make it fun as hell to listen to!

Foucult is MIA.  i need to find him.  i think he's in my room so im gonna start cleaning it up.  im somewhat organizing my closet.  my boredom has reached an ALL-TIME high!

welcome to my LONELY world
its been a while since i've felt this way.  i've always had friends, friendships to hold me over when i was feeling down.  i think right now, honestly, i just want someone in my life.  i miss that part of life.  having someone to just cuddle with, spend time with, hold hands with!  *sigh*  im sooo lame!  but whatever!  i miss it. 

i think John Mayer says it perfectly here:

Love Song for No One

staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof
 
after all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
 
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
 
searching all my days to find you
not sure what I'm looking for
I'll know where when I see you
until then I'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
a love song
for no one
 
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
 
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away
 
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away
 
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
 
you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me
I know you'll be so good
for me
for me

i did it!
i finally did it.  i called, left a voice message and he called me back.  it was good to finally have said what i needed to say.  i was happy to talk to him and found out that the reason why he hadnt called me during the weekend was because his gf finally realized she was taking him for granted and wanted to work things out.  i honestly cant get between a 5 year relationship.  its NOT me!  if i had known in the beginning, THIS would have never happened.  im glad that we can be friends now.  i like him like that.  he brings another dimension into my life. =)

back to the drawing board. . .

time to take action!
so last nite i had a long conversation with a new friend.  im sure the conversation had expired 30 minutes in but i got to learn a lot about him which was cool.  i think i've come to realize (again and again) that what i need to do is just call D and tell him EVERYTHING!  whether its leaving a long voicemail or just telling him LIVE over the phone, i wont be okay until i've done it all.  it sucks to feel that ive lost a friend, even though we didnt know each other that long.  i mean, i had so much fun just hanging out and talking the past (almost) month and a half.  its weird.  so TODAY, im gonna take action.  if not, im just screwing myself over and i cant sit there and complain.  my UNhappiness will be my own! 

and i wanna believe you when you tell me it'll be okay.
yeah i try to believe you
but i dont

therapy session #2: the shopping continues
so i went to spend more today.  got myself one of those crazy curling irons that go up to 220 degrees Fahrenheit.  bought some other stuff with it so i spent about $50 for things i dont NEED just yet!  but it kinda made me feel better and thats what counts.

so im thinking about getting branded. 
what do you think about having "Verba volant, exempla trahunt" on me forever?
(for you non Latin speakers, like myself, it means "words fly away, examples inspire"

CONGRATS LANCE!!
Lance Armstrong won an unprecedented SIXTH Tour de France!  Gosh, that man is AWESOME!  PLUS he's dating Sheryl Crow and who doesnt love her?? 

My heart's in Austin. . .

therapy session #1: SHOPPING!
ever gone shopping mad after a breakup?  well thats how i felt today!  shopping was the only therapy for me today in an attempt to cheer myself up!  i think i was semi successful too!  i got myself two skirts, a shirt and some shoes.  not too bad of a day!  my friend and i got coordinating shirts. . .imma have to wear it when im in austin!  mine says i did Justin three times and hers says i did Ashton more!  LOL  FUN STUFF!!

its funny.  i really am sad, slightly heartbroken.  not in the "i've just lost the love of my life" kinda way. . just more like a missed opportunity cuz of bad timing.  sometimes i wish i wasnt so insane and crazy and that we could be friends and maybe one day. . . one day. . .

ehh. . .

im better off alone anyway. . .

SAF ISO emotional catharsis
ive come to realize that with all thats happened in the past week, im just in need of a good emotional breakdown!  a good old fashion cry if you will.   i need to release all the emotions i have, good and bad.  it sucks to hear what you DONT wanna hear. 

there's a song that explains a lot of what im feeling.  im still in search of it. 

turning point
last nite was a rather important day for me, esp with whats been going on in the last 5 weeks.  my conversation on the phone was frustrating but it got myself to push to make some changes.  i never realized a person could make such an impact on me.  maybe sometimes you need a stranger to come in and shake up your life.  i really wish he could be around longer but i dont thats gonna be the case!

interestingly enough, i had my turning point last nite.  after hanging out with his friend for two days in a row, i got all the information/advice that i needed.  D had told me that if i wanted to know anything, i should ask him but being that its probably not gonna happen anymore since he's probably sick and tired of my shiet (meaning i probably wont hear from anytime soon), all of that is too late now.  his friend did tell me that what i want is probably not likely to happen so with that being said, its time to just move on.  my summer is almost over.  as much as i like D, there's a point where i gotta let go with any type of aspirations of something.  i'll be honest, i like him.  A LOT! (that was tough!)  i mean, i've had fun gettin to know him over the last 5 weeks.  i really have.  but he's at a weird point in his life right now, not where i am and that sucks major ass. 

Last Thought:
sometimes things happen for a reason. i dont know what the reason is but i guess, maybe, i'll find out in time. . .

complicated
so things arent as complicated as i thought.  NO GF.  just lots of baggage.  he knows i like him.  i guess thats good.  it doesnt help me much but oh well. 

i still feel like the song. 
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me

i have to admit though, i did have fun tonite at dallas.  it was exactly what i needed.  just a lil bit of country fun =)

a lil change
so i finally did it!  after days of thinking about bangs, i did it!  i cut my hair and got myself some change!  swanky banks, shorter layers, an OLDER look!  =) 

i am Lenny
so after my crazy weekend (more like fri nite), im starting to relate to Lenny/"Man on the Side" by John Mayer.  ive never seen myself as a person to get into complicated things but apparently thats what i've done recently.  its kinda a weird thing for me that for some reason ive trapped myself.  ironically i could get out of it as easily as ive gotten into it but i dont want to.  for some reason im waiting around for something.  what is it?  maybe im just waiting for him to tell me MORE  more what?  more about her, him, them, us. . .it doesnt get anymore fucking confusing then this.  if i was smart, i would walk away from my feelings now, realize that all im doing is gettin myself in trouble.  instead, im hanging on for the ride.  i WANT to be there.  its as simple as that and because of that, i am stupid.

Six numbers, one more to dial
Before I'm before you
I tried to call, been busy all night
Gave up waiting at daylight

Excuse Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in when you can?
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me

I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side

One of the many
One of the few
To stand back and wait for you

Excuse Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in when you can?
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
 
I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side

I feel in love with the dream that I built of you
Playing the part of the queen
Taking my own advice
Im giving up tonight
Good luck to you and the king

Excuse Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in when you can?
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
 
I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side

when i finally become smart, maybe i'll give up and say good luck to you and your queen. . .

 

why do good things always come with complications?
friday nite in austin was a blast.  being at oslo, dancing and having a good time.  enjoying company of good friends and fun people.  but with good things come complications.  i learned of a complicating WEIRD situation that has really baffled me.  as much as im enjoying things and i want more, i know that this road block is something BIG enough to totally prevent me from doing anything.  what to do now?  i really wish i knew.  the one bit of advice i have been given is to just do what i think is BEST.  i wish i knew! 
 
so much for my happy ending. . .

maybe it takes a little time. . .
so MrV was right! give him a week and a half and everything will be okay. maybe i had a little bit to do with it since i called and nudged him a little bit. its kinda funny how things work. it was really nice talking to him today. i really do love it when he laughs.

he called me again like he said but i was in the shower! dayam cleanliness! LOL!

im a happy girl.

insanity
its interesting the way life works.
i've realized that time does allow for change.
DUH!
sometimes, lots of change.

i think sometimes that despite (IMO) growing as a person, im still pretty dayam NAIVE!!
naivity isnt always a bad thing, but its definitely not always a good thing.
sometimes i wish i had made different decisions just to see where i would be today.

i've come to realize that love is NOT perfect.
DOUBLE DUH!
to think love is perfect would be. . .NAIVE!
its scary sometimes.
something you want could be so bad.

still no call. . .
its okay though.
i think im gonna call for kicks tomorrow

just in case i forgot to put this, i've added another theme song
Cold Hard Bitch by Jet

more later. . .

its not just me. . .
apparently this isnt just me. . .
im not the only one with a climaxing situation.
its funny how things play out

self inflicted drama?

something to consider. . .

the pattern continues. . .

boo hoo. . .
so as expected, no phone call still. . .
its okay. my life isnt over =)
just a lil bit of fun, a lot of money spent. . LOL
all in the day of Jane

now i spend my afternoons chillin at home making a scrapbook.
not too bad!
i get to come up with cute, catchy lines!
FUN!

oh yeah, gonna start playin tennis in the mornings.
i dont know how to play really.
i use to be able to serve.
lets see what happens first: serve OVER net or pulled muscle!

"the middle of the end"

so much for my happy ending. . .
from the young mouth of Avril Lavigne. . .

so i dont think that my life is over. thats definitely NOT the case! after this weekend, if anything, i've come to learn that i shouldnt expect so much so soon, but not to lower my expectations. i think this weekend might have been the climax of my story. the best part! the CRUX of the debate! LOL now, everything just slows and simmers down until the end is near. *sigh* it wasnt long enough for me. . .i just wnated more. . .maybe even a fun friend! =) (well not that kinda fun cuz im not that kinda girl!)

all of this because i didnt get a call. . .

"you dont have to call. . .its okay. . BOY!"

opposite sex friendships. . .is it possible to be purely plutonic?
so i went to austin this weekend. . thurs and fri nite. i had TONS of fun! fri nite was utter craziness. . .stayed out till almost 7am and then didnt try to go to bed till 8am but finally passed out by 10ish! its only considered crazy since i woke up at 1pm!

fri nite was interesting though. . . i hung out with one of my favorite guys and his motorola people and thats where i get the topic of tonite's blog which i will bring up later. i did have tons of fun with DG. i think i just enjoyed being around him. karaoking was cool even though he really does SUCK! and hanging out back at the apt was cool too. . gave me a chance to kinda just talk and hang out in a normal setting with him.

so tonite's topic for blogging: is it possible for guys and gals to be JUST friends?
so fri nite, this motorola dude asked me if my bud and i had ever dated. i told him never and he said that he SWORE that we were dating (had dating) when he first met me. i asked DG the same thing and he said that we were awfully close therefore he wouldnt be surprised if we did. so it makes me wonder if im conducting my friendships with guys in a weird way. are the only relationship posibilities between guys and gals: siblings, exes, dating, significant other, f*ck buddy and i think thats it. there's a possibility of you being the before dating, signif others, dating, f*ck buddy too! it just seems that being friends usually isnt the norm for close guy/gal relationships. it really makes me wonder. . .i think some of my friendships with my guy friends are the most amazing ones ever! they're always there for me no matter what and thats amazing! exactly what friends are for!

one other thing that i got out of my weekend: im not gonna worry too much about whats going on with DG. i told him i wanted to have fun and i am. im not gonna wonder whether things will or wont progress between us. just gonna go with the flow of things and see what happens =)

a break in pattern?
so no call today. . weird, very weird! im tryin NOT to be disappointed because its okay! im gonna be up in austin tomorrow. if anything, it'll be a good time to hang out and go out with friends. =)

i have to admit but i love having a baby around. i've taken tons of pictures on my phone. she's my wallpaper on my phone =) i still dont do diapers but i'll let her sleep on me. i mean, its like comfy pillows for her. . hehehe. she's just precious! being around a baby really does make things a little different but i like it =)