no titles. no introductions. just jumping into the hard cold facts.

things, maybe even life, has been changing constantly for me in the past couple of months. maybe in the past couple of years, but i think thats a given. its weird but sometimes i think that even though things are going well, im still, HONESTLY, not the happiest person i can be. that, in itself, is very disappointing.

its weird sometimes. i watch tv and it makes me cry. (i know im an overly sensitive person but DAYAM, am i really that bad?) in my last couple of weeks in austin, ive done a LOT of thinking. im not where i thought i would be at almost 23. it was funny because yesterday in seminar we had to fill out a survey of sorts and one of the questions was "where are you going to be in 5 years?" i wanted to (comically put) "in houston (possibly), still teaching (hopefully biology), happily married with a baby on the way." but i JUST put the first two things only because i dont think the third thing will be happening.

its scary. life's scary sometimes. i guess im starting to feel a little lost at a time when i should be feeling a lot more secure and safe. i dont feel that way. i really dont.

you know whats really hard though? having so much kept inside. i have so many questions that i want answers to. it should be easy but its not. it makes me sad just thinking about it. i think im having a not happy day. maybe i'm just lying to myself and i've had a unhappy while.

mood of the moment: =( (too bad its not like xanga where i can insert a face)

last nite was not good. . no more beer for a long time!

Growing Up!
tonite was pure evidence that im getting too old! i couldnt hang. . .i was tired. . .i got pooped. . .i couldnt handle my alcohol. . (FYI: BEERS + Smirnoff = BAD NEWS FOR JANE!) lets say i was lucky enough to now spend extra time with my porcelain king. . .but it wasnt a good feeling thing i might need to! Dallas was fun tonite. . i just "too old" to be stayin out that late on a week night. . . GEEZ! pathetic. . i know. . .i guess im become more like some people. . .

on a sad note. . the Rockets loss =( they were doing decently well too at the beginning of the game. . and then somehow the Lakers caught up . . .and caught up BIG TIME! =( there's always next year!!

i hate having the hiccups! its annoying! sometimes it hurts a little too!! (i think thats because they are exhausting)

i took a risk. . . it wasnt fruitful. . .yet! hopefully it will be! if not, there's always plan B. . . (time to start thinkin about plan b!)

oh yeah! i got my ring! too bad my fingers are FAT and it has to get resized. . it was nice though! i also got my UTeach cords. . im gonna be soo dayam colorful! black, white, blue and yellow! woweee! =D

MeMoRieS of LoVe
i know the CAPS and non CAPS gets annoying but i just felt like typing that way!

so last night i watched the season's finale of High School Reunion. it was kinda crazy when Gabe offered Denise the ring as a promise of his commitment. . .i think sometimes when people really want to, they'll try their hardest at working something that was once there. its funny sometimes how old love gets re-ignited. honestly, i dont think the flame is ever burnt out. . its just a matter of fueling the weak flame.

so its funny because i've come to realize that time is slowly ticking away and i still have a lot to do! slowly i'll get the courage. . .i mean, i do have a banquet the following thursday (on Friends series finale nite!! these UTeach people have bad planning abilities!!) last nite, i also talked to a friend and he help me work out my thoughts. . .i think i want and assume too much is going on. my emotions are getting in the way of my rational thinking (if it ever existed) i think the smartest thing would be just to confront things head on. . i dont think its gonna happen though. . .i love the "ballz!" figuratively and literally!

i use to believe in fate until it told me to shove it and this wasnt my time! now i realize that fate brings ya close to the gold and then its your choice to actually reach out and take it! right now, fate has opened up the treasure chest for me. . its just a matter of me taking that last step to take the treasure. . . i think im way scared. . but like one famous person once said, "the only thing to fear is fear itself" and like one guy once told me, "Jane, stop thinking so much!"

Yeah. . .if it was ONLY that easy!

YEAH ME!
I GOT A JOB TODAY!! so i came back to houston on thursday night so i could meet the principal, the specialist and the dept head at the Hastings Ninth Grade Center (HNGC). .. everythign went super well but i was still kinda nervous because they hadnt offered me a job. . .mrs. tomas (the principal) asked me to come back the next day to meet the assistant principal that would be in charge of the science dept. well this made me a little nervous because what IF i didnt get the job? what would i do then? so i decided, just as a back up plan to go to the fort bend job fair. so i went and i interviewed at Bush HS and it turns out that they have a *drum roll* BIOLOGY position open!!! i interviewed. . .they seem to like me but it looks like i wouldnt be hearing anything for another 2 weeks. . thats just to get 2nd interviews. . i tried to interview at Clemens but the line was super long and there werent that many people interviewing. . so i head over to the alief job fair. . i meet Mrs Laundhardt (sp?) who happens to look EXTREMELY familiar and it turned out that she had worked at Killough way back in the day!! CRAZY SMALL WORLD AINT IT??!?! so i talked to her and she liked me =D (its cuz im so dayam luvable!!! hehehe) so i talked to Cynthia (the specialist) she asked me if i had any last questions and then Gina (Mrs Tomas, the principal) sat down and listened in and said we all like ya, how would you feel about joining our staff. . .and of course, i said SURE! =D so basically that was it!! i was hired!! so next year i'll be an integrated physics and chemistry teacher at the Hastings Ninth Grade Center. . . CRAZY!! i really did wanna teach biology, super close at my house but ya know what? this sure is pretty awesome. . im gettin paid a good amount of money and hopefully i'll be happy! im gonna get a HUGE classroom with a fume hood!! WAHOO!! fume hood! LOL! im lame arent i. . .but ya know what? im happy. . . im FREAKIN adult now =)

Victim of a FOOLISH <3
so im still insane. . not much changes in a couple of days! lets see. . .what was i gonna write about. . .so there's a chance im gonna go to my first concert in a LONG time this weekend. . we'll see if i decide to follow through with it. . if not, i'm definitely planning on john mayer in july. . i have a feeling its gonna be lawn seats! i asked some questions tonight and got some answers that i really didnt like! watever. . . i just realize im insanely stupid. . one day i'll eventually come around i think! till then. . .

Realizations
so instead of being productive today, i spent the day in SA just having fun with my friend and her mini-me. i have to admit, i did have fun just doing whatever but i also realized that i cared too much about him (a person that doesnt really care about me!) its really NOT good! i have i have 5 weeks till graduation! i have 3 weeks before the UTeach banquet. i really dont have much time for anything! many say "distance makes the heart grow fonder." others say "out of sight, out of mind!" i really dont know what to think! i really wanna hope that its the latter but i am talking about myself! it really makes me worry! lets dont even go into the whole "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts" statement! i just wish life was soo much simpler! it would help me in a LOT of ways. if i was a smart person, i would have given up a long time ago. . .and maybe i have and this is just something to keep me busy. but giving up would be i no longer cared to care and thats not me! i know im stupid for wanting to figure this out but i think i need this much! it only makes sense to figure things out before you leave right? it only makes sense to get answers to the plethora of questions! if anything, its not like he has ever read these blogs of mine. . .if he did, he would have known that i have cared for that long. . .

Where BIGGER is BETTER
so i subscribe to this magazine called The Week and bascially it summarizes and highlights the week's news. Its kinda cool because i get it all, from national, international, entertainment, science and business news all in one. so i always enjoy reading the summaries under the Health & Science section since im gonna be a science teacher and all so i wanted ot highlight this weeks article. i think im just gonna type out the text of the summary for all of those who say "size doesnt matter!" hehehe

Where bigger is better
A study of mammal penises around the world has confirmed that size DOES matter-but so does location. Researchers at the Freshwater Instintute in Winnipeg, Canada, collected data on the size of the penis bone, or baculum, in 122 carnivorous mammal species. They found that animals who lived closer to the North or South Pole benfitted more form a generous endowment-relative to body size-than species in more hospitable climates. THe explanation may lie in differnt mating styles fostered by different climates, say researchers. Elephant seals, for instance, who live at lower, warmer latituedes, stay in large colonies and have to fight for a mate-making body size more important than penis size. But Artic-dwelling walruses live cold, sparsely populated areas and dont have many sexual encounters, so body size doesn't matter as much. BUt a long penis does, since it can deposit semen closer to the egg. So over time, natural selection favored walruses with large penises-which could explain why they have bacula up to 2 feet long, one of the largest of any mammal.

So my question is, if you were looking for well endowed men, would it be best to go find men who live in remote cold regions of the world? it seems then it would fit the qualities of being a well endowed mammal! put you where there arent a lot of people so gettin laid is rare and big willie is necessary to pass your little soldiers along! makes ya think, doesnt it?

im F*CKIN insane!
i called him tonite. . . he told me he wasnt here. . .but if i had told him i was gonna be around, he would have stuck around. . . what does this all mean? just means that he's throwing more mud into the muddy pool!

he called me tonite at 2am. . .i picked up. i wanted to spend time with him and be around him. im really screwed! i think if i wasnt so close to the job in alief, i would be really screwed right now and tryin to find a job in austin.

CONCLUSION: im INSANE! im glad i made the decision to go back to houston "on my own" in a way, i wish he would just tell me that he ALSO thinks we should be together. that day will probably NEVER come! i should know better! but for some reason, i keep holding out. like i've said before and i'll say it again, "2 out of 3 aint bad!" maybe that makes it worth waiting to see what happens next!

oh yeah, im still sick as a dog. . .(coughing up junk now!) but now i've got a TeXeS exam to take (which i havent adequately studied for because i had other things on my mind last nite) and a portfolio to eventually finish!

PROGRESS??
so last nite, i got the phone call that i've been waiting the longest time for. if anything, it got me MORE confused than ever! i finally made a big decision in my life (to take the teaching position in alief) and KAD decides to somewhat open up to me. . .i hope it wasnt the alcohol that drove him to it! i guess im really more confused than ever! i know now, no matter what he says, i've made my decision. i think he hasnt fully made his decison on me yet so its okay for me to not be here in austin. . .i guess sometimes you gotta realize that if you really want something, you'll go after it anyways and work hard at it to work. because HONESTLY, if i had the chance, i would take it and NEVER let it go. . .

random things i read
so sometimes i read the most interesting random things so i figure i should start sharing this information. im sure one day i'll do it in my classrooms (possibly next year?) i'll add my comments in italics after the summary of the articles

*DIRTY MIND = SHARP MIND
According Jamie Nast, a memory specialist, people are more likely to remember something when they mentally link it to sexual imagery. he states in The Washtington Post "When theings get sexual, its very powerful. If the mind is in the gutter, it tends to remember."
so that explains a lot! i remember in high school when i took world history during the summer i remembered the type of columns with the location or culture that made them with the acronym DIC SAC. . .at least i remember the two C's as Corinthian! if anything, my friends and i must have some sharp minds =)

*HEALTH BENEFITS OF KISSING
(taken from http://www.pravda.us/science/19/94/377/12469_kiss.html)
It's been scientifically proven that frequent kissing stabilizes cardiovascular activity, decreases high blood pressure, cholesterol and overall makes one's life better. The following is a medical account of this quite pleasant activity.
Some areas it helps: dentistry, cosmetics, diet, anesthetic, anti-stress therapy, vaccinations and express analysis of genetics (pretty techinical stuff!)
wow! i need to do some major making out! im sick right now so maybe that would boost my immune system and if it didnt, heck, it wasnt like time was wasted! apparently this original article came from Russia. i guess these Russians dont have much to do than kiss eh? what else is there to do after you've taken a good swig of vodka and chased after the tundra animals!

more educational, beneficial stories to come in the near future.

FYI: im sick and stressed or is it that im sick because im stressed? JE NE SAIS PAS!! any nice comments will cheer me up i.e. that you miss me for my insanity and sometimes randomness =) HEY! even if its just the simple fact that you like it when i make fun of you, that'll put a smile on my face cuz i know you care!

oh yeah, ironically, now that all the frenchies are gone, i miss them. maybe i do miss having someone around in the apt. solitairy living isnt for me. i just need to get reaccustomed to it!

cranky and frustrated
maybe Big T was right last night. . .a simple solution to all my problems would be a lil bit of S-E-X! hahaha but is that REALLY me? i dunno. . .i think my frustrations stem from not understanding whats going on in my life. . things are so complicated (sometimes self-induced) i think i need to recapture the happier Jane times. . .its been a while i think. . .(oh yeah, on a random note, i accidently stoled a graduating UT rubber duck)

why cant KAD just like me? and if he does, why cant he just say something to me about it? why cant he own up to it and tell me. . the follow conversation would be optimal!

KAD: yes Jane, i like you but im scared?
ME: well what are you scared of?
KAD: im scared of getting hurt.
ME: oOoO. . .is that it?
KAD: Yup!
ME: awww thats soo cute!

so as you can see, my conversation would be quite simple. .. so WHY CANT IT HAPPEN?
TWO REASONS: 1. He LACKS balls and 2. i do too! *hehehe*

okay. . i've given myself a time limit. i must settle all this by the time i get on my flight to france. thats it! no more worries after that because my life as an austinite will be over by then. . i'll only be a visitor to austin. . .=/ boy will i miss things. . but i guess i'll worry about that when the time comes!

french investigations and alcohol-induced soap operas
so tonight we took our frenchies out to la sixieme rue but i didnt make it there. . . i ended up on 4th street going to places that i normally dont! honestly, i have to admit it was an interesting night. i found out through a frenchie (who im gonna love FOREVER now after tonight) that "KAD" has agrees with the wonderful things when it comes to me but has no idea why we're NOT together. . . i dunno wat to think now!! somehow being scared stepped into the picture too. . . the really scary thing was i was flirting with his friends and totally having fun. . . i was kinda POed that some people thought i was cock-blocking (try explaining that to a frenchie!) i dunno. . .i didnt feel a bit jealous at all tonight! i think honestly its all because i can totally 100% admit that i do like and care about this guy but at the same time, i understand that if i care about him, i want HIM to be happy, however happiness will come to him! if its by another girl, well yeah, good for him! but i have to admit it was weird getting all the attention tonight. its not me! RL asked me why if i would date him and i told him no because there's probably an univeral rule about dating a former's friend! and then the other one, MB, yeah, similar thing. .calls late at night are always BAD FUN! yeah! i dunno. . .we'lll have to see. . . i think the best advice tonght was some total strangers, some women. just enjoy life!!

monumental occasions

i've been a bad friend lately. . . HAPPY BELATED BDAY POUKIE =) BIG 23!

my friend who i've known forever and finally IMed today told me that JUST today she decided to go to med school. . .and i was there to witness it. . yeah!! you GO girl!!

more about frenchies later :-)

un jour chargé
today was a busy full day. . .goin around everywhere to show the french teachers around austin. . . i have to admit, i think things are slowly falling into place. . .Mathilde was super sweet and had brought me some stuff from France. she brought me a cookbook by a famous french chef and then some place mats and bread holder from Marsielle. not your conventional gifts but pretty cool indeed! i think that things will be better in the next couple of days. .she's warming up =) i think this will be quite an experience!

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS
I HATE springing forward . . . i lose an hour of valuable sleep and it takes forever to get it back!! my week is gonna be defuncted!!

REALIZATIONS
when someone asks you why you're bitching at them and tell you you're cranking, you come around to FINALLY make some F*CKING realizations. . . im wasting my time even wondering what the hell to think (with certain things and avid readers and "life counselors" might know what im talking about). . .that even though its not my first choice, im probably better off in houston with my family as i first had planned to get away from my own personal insanity in austin. . . i know this is probably an impulsive entry but i ended one good friendship this way. . . i might as well end my stupidity the same way too!

Because I Can
~Katy Rose

I keep on looking through the looking glass
And I want to fall on through
Out of the real world to a happy day
Out of the wreckage that I do

I keep on dreamin because I can even though my eyes don't close
I keep on trippin because its free to a place I only know
I keep on dreamin because I can even though my eyes don't close
I keep on slippin out of this life

Still my hand won't go to the other side
My boney fingers stay locked here
The glass is cold when I touch my face
But I can taste my salty tears

I keep on dreamin because I can even though my eyes don't close
I keep on trippin because its free to a place I only know
I keep on dreamin because I can even though my eyes don't close
I keep on slippin out of this life waiting for the drapes to close

Mirror mirror won't you kiss my cheek
And tell me I'll be oK
And warm my spirit with your sugar lips
And help me wait for another day

Hi. My name is Jane and I have A problem. . .

first and foremost i wanna wish happy birthday to an Atown HOT momma! she knows who she is! ;)

so my problem. . .i've come to realize (again and again) that i am but an idiot for continuously falling into this trap! i was soo excited tonight after getting a call and anticipating a fun filled night but nooOoOoOOo of course, that would NEVER happen!! stupid stupid STUPID me!! i should know better! it wasnt gonna happen!! i just need to come to terms with this. . .eventually. . .<~~thats what makes me sooo stupid!!

just to add more drama to my life. . . i mean, i've been tryin to figure out the houston/austin thing and the funny thing is, theres not much to figure out, i dont have a job here! sometimes i think "out of sight, out of mind!!" but i also almost think "distance makes the heart grow fonder" so shiet!! either way, im screwed!! i honestly thought tonight that if i was to get away from all of this here in austin, things would be better. . but would i be happier? im not sure. . . .i really dont know. . . but yeah. . .just FYI. . .my name is Jane and i have a problem. . . .

Fun Only Last So Long. . .
so i need to play catchup since its been over a week since i updated my blogger. . so lets begin from the beginning. . .

Happy Belated Birthday Wishes to Ricky =) big 23!! why does that sound sooo old!! i dunno. . .(oddly enough i never put names, or try not to but this time i will!) we had dinner which was cool. . its always nice hanging out =)

last weekend was just a blast for me. . friday nite was RANDOMNESS! got pretty buzzy, danced my heart out to *GASP* more latin music, talked to random guys. .FUN!! watched a drunk Matt munch at TC. .. LOL. . drove an Explorer for the first time. . . probably looked drunk doing it since i was turning on everything BUT the headlights on when i got in! =X saturday was more calm. . .out to 4th street. . went to Red Fez. . pretty cool place. . i liked =) crashed!!

now less fun stuff. . .

went to the COE (college of education) career fair yesterday. . . 4 interviews, one contract, 3 phone calls (2 principals, 1 dept head) and a strong interest later, im more confused than ever!! the big decision is whether to stay in austin or go back to houston. . .being that my only FOR SURE job offer is in houston, there's quite a dilemma! my STRONG interest is up in pflugerville which could be interesting. . im gonna make my follow-up call tomorrow to see whats up with that! hopefully it'll be positive! maybe something more concrete beyond the idea that because i can speak vietnamese, i would be a great asset to the school! i just hope that i can figure this out soon! i cried for over 30 mins on the phone just tryin to figure out what to do next year! it doesnt seem to be gettin any easier either!! im just hoping for the best!

any comments, suggestions, advice! i'll take it! just IM me!! =)