"Where is the love?"
Just like the Black Eyed Peas say in their song. . .i kinda wondered that today. .while i was at work, one of my girls told me abot a situation that had recently happened. . . esp in the recent coverage of the Supreme Court ruling against the sodomy law and all the coverage for a GLBT center at school, it makes me wonder why people dont see gays and lesbians as any other person. she had told me that apparently the place that i worked at werent too pleased with her sexual orientation .. NOTE. . HER!!! makes me feel even worse that the person that told her this was one of the staff which she confided in the most. . .kinda makes a teenager lose trust in adults and authority. . . it makes me really wonder whats soo bad about being gay. . .everyone has a choice. . so be it! if anything, we're ALL human. . .we should just love each other regardless of creed, color and sexual orientation. . .i hope one day all those stodgey people who think being gay is bad finally realize the closeminded idea they hold. . .we're all human and thats the most important thing to remember. . .so when youre out there, remember where is the love?

Feelin' Better
so after almost 2 hrs of talking, i feel a lot better about this weekend. . .i think the one thing i've gotta learn is to just tell people what i think! Express my mind and thoughts. . . but at the same time, i think i've gotta learn that the world doesnt revolve around me . . (as much as i make fun of certain friends on how the world doesnt revolve around them, i've figured that i have the same complex!) sometimes in all of my insanity, i forget that there are other people so i have to say MAJOR THANKS to everyone in my life. . .whether you've been there since day one or from time to time, no matter how long we've been each other's lives . . THANKS! i just think that sometimes i just gotta get my life straight and separate the different spheres in my life. . make sure that NOTHING overlaps. . TOO MUCH!!
Something that i did learn today is that eventually you have to forgive yourself and let go of the pass. . . i think thats a major thing that i havent been able to do. . .but after some talking to a friend, i think i can begin taking the first step towards letting go and being okay. . .i think its just part of me growing and transitioning to another part of my life. . .as everyone goes out into the real world, i still have another year of school to do but at the same time, i'm transitioning into just another phase of my life. . .maybe more overwhelming that i originally thought but i think i'll be okay. . .i reallly do think i'll be okay =)

GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Its dayam early .. something that i normally dont do on the weekend but i've had a rough one so anything can happen. . .well i guess i expected a lot more out of this weekendand i didnt get that soo i'm kinda disappointed. . .i've acted immaturely and havent done my job as a friend this weekend. . . but at the same time, during this weekend, old feelings of guilt and whatnot have been dragged back up into my life :-/ definitely something that i dont wanna feel from 6 years ago. its kinda unfortunate but i know the BIG mistake i made then, geez! sometimes, i actually somewhat self-lecture myself about it. . .and lets not even go into the whole "gold-standard" thing. . . hahaha i'm sure i'm writing in more detail than i should esp since people ACTUALLY read this thing of mine!! but this weekend, i guess i expected something different and all thats going on isnt what i wanted. i'm sure its partly my fault for acting immature and avoiding things but i dunno. . .i guess even though i've grown up over the years, i'm not as mature as i give myself credit for. sometimes i wish i was. . .sometimes i wish i knew what i wanted in the world, sometimes i just wish people could read my thoughts and it could ALL be over with. . .life could be soo simplier if i could just EXPRESS my honest ideas. . .but sadly, the one thing i can say is that i still feel guilty all these years. . .and all the jokes, all the comments, all the teasing doesnt help me! with everything that's happened, i would just rather crawl into a hole and hide forever to never ever EVER come out again. . .

i dont wanna hurt, feel guilty, love, be me anymore. . .

Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
You just bring me down
Je pretends que tout va bien
So I count my tears
Till I get over you

Love. . .continued
well its been the obvious topic of my last couple of blogs. . its probably for a reason .. .but at the moment, i dont care to disclosed it! well i've been listenin to the Justin Guarini cd and others (Michelle Branch, Sean Paul and soon to come up 50 cent) and while i've been listening to Mr.Justin (by way of American Idol fame for you non-reality tv addicts) i've become engulfed in thoughts about the song topics, mostly love and stuff like that. . . and well i guess sometimes when it comes down to it, as much as it seems as of late that i care less for love and relationships, the REAL me acknowledges how important it is. . or at least i think it is when factored into my life. . . i mean, granted i dont expect to find Mr. Perfect-For-Me anytime soon (even though it would be nice =D), i at the same time, kinda miss all THAT stuff. . .dont you like my somewhat vagueness? i mean, i watch couples and i see how much the guy adores his gf. i have a friend and thats DEFINITELY the case between him and his girlfriend. . .but granted he's a really sensitive guy to begin with and somewhat strays from the NORM for guys. . . i mean, i dont want SUPER mushy. . GOD! if that was the case. .ICK! YUCK! that was the FORMER me. . you know, the one that got hurt and is slightly jade from that experience and from hangin around guys. . but well. . its nice to feel adored and loved and to be treated nicely and to always be happy and smiley. . .gushy, i know! *sigh* i remember those days like it was just yesterday. . . ironically i definitely know that i only have the flippy floppy mushy tummy feeling with TWO people. . .*shrug* i'm sure my time will come again. . . well lets hope so! but if not, i'm content. . .with or without, i'm still the same person =)

FUTURE NAMES
i know that this is something really random because its gonna be a long time until i settle down and have a family but some names for me to consider. . .for a girl: Sydney, Genevieve; for a boy: Hayden (i got that from watchin 5th Wheel i have to admit. .sad i know!) just some quick thoughts before i pass out. . if i was weird i would name my kid Stitch or Pikachu .. but maybe thats something worth nicknaming them. . . LOL =X

the four letter word. . . LOVE
its been a while again but i guess this is gonna be a simple entry. . . .
LOVE. . .or even LIKE. . (its a four letter word too as you can tell!)
sooo something i've decided to share my knowledge or express my opinion on is that WE all need to understand that it is necessary to find an individual who is willing to reciprocate the love we give to another. . its just as simple as that!! he or she needs to put as much time and interest into you as you put into them. . .(im sure there's some type of scientific law out there for all you science geeks! =P no offense cause im a dork too!) love, even like, is such a powerful and special thing that we need to make sure that the person we feel this way for is worth it! YUP! they need to be worth your while. . and thats the honest truth!! so KIDs, make sure whomever you like or love feels the same way about you! never feel hurt afterwards for long because ALWAYS know that YOU are a great and wonderful person and anyone that you end up with will be lucky to have you in THEIR life. . . =D

LOVE FOR ALL
sometimes you dont tell those you love that you love them enough. . soo here i go!!

i love my family. . they're the best, esp my mommy. . she's soo cute! she's my best friend too!
i love my best friend. . she's the greatest friend a girl could have! =D its scary how well she knows me and understands me! and PLUS. . she's a talker too! hehe
i love my roommates! a 10 year friendship kinda does that to ya!
i love my high school friends. . .there's always gonna be a special bond there! our group will be FOREVER!
i love my middle school friends. . .how can i not?? its been so long and we still keep in touch ..and PLUS, those crazy band stories!
i love my guy friends. . .they're just badass! its fun just being "one of the guys"
i love my exes. . hahaha. .never thought i would say that eh? well honestly without them, i would have never learned what i have about love and relationships.
i love everyone who has left an imprint in my life. . because of all of you, i am the person i am today =)

THANKS!!

remember the telephone works both ways. .
~ You and I Both Jason Mraz

More Random Thoughts. . .

Jason Mraz
prior to hearing The Remedy (I Won't Worry) on 94.7 here in austin, i would have never known who this man is. . but during an impromtu trip to target, i picked up his cd with Jewel and have discovered one cool singer! =) and he's pretty cute too!! songs to check out: You and I Both, Curbside Prophet, Sleep All Day, Too Much Food actually.. just check them all out! he's pretty cool! on his cd cover, he's chillin with a rooster and on the back, his picture reminds of Hugh Grant. . what a cutie!!

something's missing. . .
well after some discussion with ppl, random and friends, and just sittin around listenin to music and observing the world around me, i've realized that im missing something in my life. . .i miss having the companionship of another, the company, the friendship, just having someone around. . maybe this is partially coming from being alone all the time. . or maybe, its because i miss my mommy! hehe. . its possible! all i know is that i hope i fall in love again one day. . .(what a jump huh??)

Jewel "0304"
i bought the Jewel cd last friday and i just wanted to post the lyrics to some songs that i like a lot. . .just some things i feel or can relate to. . i wish i could write lyrics and music like this!!

If I asked u a question Would u look me in the eyes? Has our love been built on lies? . . .Hey, u Know that I would spend
My whole life all over again 2 find u . . .
~2 Find U

If u want my heart U have 2 promise not 2 tear it apart 'Cause my heart Has been hurt a lot And it always seems Love is not sweet, like in dreams Something falls through But I dont want that 2 happen 2 me and u So be Careful, warning Fragile heart. . .
~Fragile Heart

I'm like any girl; I enjoy the sights But I'm no Cinderella 2 your storybook fella I'm no Barbie doll for your fantasies and all If u let me be me, I'll be better than your best dreams . . . Come on, baby, wont u crash into me? I'm like nothing that you've ever seen Dynamite, I'll blow your mind Guaranteed 2 mesmerize You'll say, "Ooh la, la, la"
~U&Me=Love

I reach - beyond myself 2 see What I find, beyond my mind, there is no time In this place beyond my sight My heart knows what is not yet seen I'm witnessing my own becoming
~Becoming

just get the album. . its not the same Jewel but its still her voice. .and its FUN! Enjoy!

BAD ME! wow! i havent been good at writin in here at all! well if anything here are some things that need to be said and listed ..
1. the mystery balloon person is still to be identified .. oh well!!
2. my mommy and lil bro came up this weekend. . .dad sent his good wishes and stuff. . makes me realize how much i miss the family (including my sis) from time to time. .esp during these times of being by myself. .
3. i still havent cracked despite being by myself for extended periods of times now .. so far so good! YEAH ME!!
4. i've decided to learn how to play the guitar. . hopefully by the end of summer, i'll be able to play "Im Sensitive" by Jewel *crosses fingers* i wanna be a dorky teacher that makes dorky biology songs from songs they've heard of so that they can memorize the information for their tests! its like SNL music, bio style!
5. I ABHOR PSYCHO PEOPLE
6. but ironically i see the strength of friendships during times of commonalities
7. Congrats to my redhead friend on her engagement. . MAN i'm feeling old!
8. i'm happy in my singlehood!
9. yet it would be nice to find companionship!
10. hopefully i'll have a summer job by tomorrow. . .yeah initiative!

hopefuly more sometime soon!

A Long Day Indeed. . .
so in search of something to do, i went to the MTV Real World Casting call. honestly, i know i wont get a callback but HECK, it was interesting to just go! hehe =) spent the day with my non asian asian. . . interseting to say the least. . and watch some shock tv .. GEEZ! its some crazy shiet. . i'll keep it short since i have a final in the morning. . more to come soon!